Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

Batty Way to Look Good; like Us on It's a Funny Old World

Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

Batty Way to Look Good; like Us on It's a Funny Old World

Article excerpt


I SAW my own face today without using a mirror - a depressing first.

I was about to put my little shivering bod in the shower when I noticed the blurred curve of an unidentified pink object hovering on the edge of my vision. What was it man? Fluff? A bogey? A waaart? A quick shuffle to the mirror provided an answer. It was just me. Givowwer!

Me face under my eye had puffed up like Bagpuss - I looked like Marlin Brando in the Godfather movie. Admittedly, I had looked as rough as this - if not rougher - in my earlier days, but this was different. Those past facial afflictions had a definite cause - they had been hard earned.

A full on punch in the face when milling with an Army instructor in Aldershot in '86, a two-day bender down the quay in 1990 with the lunatic fringe of my social circle, or the first few months of being a new dad with both of me beautiful boys - I was SUPPOSED to look rough after such experiences!

What had I done to create this work of facial art? Nowt, is the depressing answer.

A bit of writing, borrowing me mam's Hoover, a trip to the Co-Op to get the next day's bait before finally falling asleep watching the news. God help me if this was now the level of self-abuse and debauchery needed to make me look like I'd been hanging out on Tour with Black Sabbath or the Stones for a month in 1973.

At least Ozzy Osbourne and Keef Richards had made it their jobs for decades to get so messed up with their sex 'n' drugs 'n' rock 'n' roll lifestyles.

What was my excuse? They'd hardly make a fly-on-the-wall documentary about the incredible radgie gadgie with the inflatable face. I could just hear the voiceover ... "We are witnessing a man on the edge. Mike has taken his 'life in the bus lane' existence just that bit too far this time; last night's trip for a futon cover for the spare room has pushed his body to its limits. …

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