Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

Plane Confused at Airport Security

Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

Plane Confused at Airport Security

Article excerpt

Byline: gary bainbridge One man's struggle with the 21st century. Follow Gary on Twitter @Gary_Bainbridge or email him at gary.bainbridge@trinitymirror.com

ITAKE quite a lot of buses and I have probably done a poor job in concealing that fact. But what you might not know is that sometimes I use other forms of transport.

For example, occasionally I use the train. Trains are great. If you are not sure what a train is, it is a sort of incredibly expensive bus that goes on rails, apart from on Sundays, when it is an incredibly expensive bus that goes for large sections of the journey on roads.

And, even more occasionally, I use aeroplanes, or "flying buses" as I like to call them. Up till this month I could count the number of times I had flown on aeroplanes on one conventional hand, i.e. five times. If you are wondering how somebody can fly an odd number of times, the answer is that I got the train back once because of a shampoo-based incident which need not concern you.

But last week I took an aeroplane to Abroad, specifically Portugal. I arrived at the airport in plenty of time, having weighed my bag several times to ensure I was nowhere near the point at which my chosen carrier would make me shell out actual money.

I was, it was fair to say, something of a naive bumpkin at the airport. All I lacked was an ear of wheat protruding from my mouth. I tried to remember the advice I had found online at airportsforidiots.com, "Remove your belt and metal jewellery and walk through security with purpose".

The trouble with this advice is that I find "walking with purpose" difficult at the best of times. It is terrible advice, like being told to "act naturally". I never know what to do with my hands when forced to behave as if everything is perfectly normal. It's a wonder I can remember how to breathe.

But it is even worse when you have to "walk with purpose" without your belt and your trousers are on the loose side.

So my purposeful walk was less 1-2-3-4, and more a sort of free jazz. The scanner beeped, despite the fact I had less metal on me than you would find on the bill at a twee folk festival. …

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