Newspaper article The Florida Times Union

Santa Sent Packing on Xmas Eve

Newspaper article The Florida Times Union

Santa Sent Packing on Xmas Eve

Article excerpt

'Twas the day before Christmas and all through sports,

Coach Santa was fretting the published reports.

The media were nestled -- so smug and self-satisfied,

As they wrote of Coach Santa's imminent demise.

And on talk radio, the rumors did rage:

Santa had lost touch; he was showing his age.

Lonnie from the Southside called in to reveal:

"Spurrier is interviewing for Santa's job, according to my

cousin Neal."

Mrs. Santa cried in her kerchief and said with a pause:

"That yo-yo lawyer of yours told us we wouldn't need a buyout


When down in the workshop there arose such a clatter.

And Santa rushed down to see what was the matter.

Two elves were there fighting as one said with a shout:

"Dude, why is that you're always freezing me out?"

Santa stepped in to break up the tussle.

And he lambasted the elves, "You have no pride and no hustle!"

"Don't yell at me, old man," said the one angry bloke.

And he grabbed Santa's throat and started to choke.

"I'll kill you," the elf said as he threw Santa to the deck.

Thank God, the other elves were there to save Santa's neck.

Santa staggered out and jumped on his sleigh.

There was work to be done on this Christmas Eve day.

He coaxed, "On Dasher, On Dancer, On Vixen."

"On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen."

But someone was missing, and it caused Santa frustration.

A disgruntled Rudolph was holding out, demanding renegotiation.

The sports agent stood firm; always the same spiel:

"Rudolph doesn't play until he gets a multiyear deal."

So Coach Santa took off with his short-handed crew.

And through the fog and the dark, to Denver they flew.

Upon their arrival, Santa's face turned solemn.

He couldn't believe what he read in a newspaper column.

A grinch named Woody Paige wrote that Santa was a fraud. …

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