Newspaper article The Evening Standard (London, England)

Do My Nipples Look Big in This?

Newspaper article The Evening Standard (London, England)

Do My Nipples Look Big in This?

Article excerpt

Byline: ZOE WILLIAMS

Put them away, dear, says Zoe Williams, you're looking a bit Newcastle IF the Brit awards are anything to go by - not that they ever are, especially since their dismal failure to beatify Craig David, but let's pretend - first thing to go this coming season is the clothes. Yes, precious, ditch the garments. All they do is keep you warm and preserve your maidenly dignity, both of which are very last century and a bit common. Before I start, let me make it clear that under no circumstances will I be talking about Cat Deeley.

Yes, she showed her nipple at London Fashion Week. Yes, she revealed that her tits aren't all that, unless you're a fried-egg fancier. But it was an accident, poor little duck, and she didn't mean it. The following remarks are in no way directed at her. Is that quite clear?

Good, then I'll begin.

Frocks were invented to cover up rude bits. That's why cavewomen didn't wear them, and frolicked naked, because Adam and Eve hadn't happened yet and rude bits didn't exist (have I got this chronology right?). That's why even in hot countries, people wear frocks. So, a frock that covers neither your baps nor your bum is no longer performing a "frock" function and becomes a joke.

Whether the joke is with you or on you depends, naturally, on what you look like in it. So Samantha Mumba's joke is a pretty good joke. It says: "Ha! I'm 18! I look like I've quite literally just dropped out of heaven!

Suck on that, you old mid-twenties crones! Suck on that, Glamour magazine, with your 27-year-old readership! I rule!"

I have to admit, I'm not exactly clutching my rippling sides about this one, but I'm sure she is, which makes the outfit (such as it is) a success (long may it last). Toni Braxton, however, appearing at the Grammys with two white drapes loosely covering nothing more than her crack, is not having the last laugh here. May I burn in sisterhood hell for saying so, but she mings in this dress, she makes the kind of picture your boyfriend would take of you as holiday "fun" and you'd dump him for afterwards. What gives me the right to vent such vitriol? Nothing at all, apart from the crime of having left the house in "such a frock".

Let's bear something in mind about celebrities here - they expend what probably amounts to the bulk of their intellect defending their privacy laws, and yet care nothing for all our rights to public decency. We have a right to expect our fellow human beings to wear clothes, in order not to be subjected to the above-mentioned rude bits. The only circumstance in which this level of exposure is permissible is when it's an accident. Like Cat Deeley.

Caprice is slightly different, in so far as she was actually wearing pants and a bra underneath her chosen joke, and therefore commits less of an assault upon our finer feelings. …

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