Newspaper article The Evening Standard (London, England)

Now,where Did I Leave My Whip

Newspaper article The Evening Standard (London, England)

Now,where Did I Leave My Whip

Article excerpt

Byline: ZOE WILLIAMS

YOU have a number of choices. You could carry on shopping in the sales until it's the middle of August, or you could not shop, and eat instead. Or, you could start buying new stuff winter stuff, the stuff that renders you all aquiver with just how very new it is. This is the time to make your core decisions, not about coats (you've been buying the same shaped coat since 1989, admit it) but about corsets. The keyword this coming season is "hourglass", but since no one (not even models - too skinny) has a proper hourglass figure, every designer has a corset in their collection. Paul Smith has a lady-warrior corset-over-shirt look.

Blumarine and Dolce and Gabbana go with the hook-and-eye, "Prostitute, moi?" number. And Chloe has a girly, beady number, true to form.

Now, there are nuances to this look, nuances which only a slut can explain. You need to get it right before you buy.Idle shopping won 't do.

Have an agenda.Here are your rules.

The corset-over-the-shirt look is very classy and hip and don't-f***with-me-I-pay-your-salary, but is nevertheless completely counter to the purpose of a corset, which is, first, to make your breasts perkier, and second, to let everyone else see just how very perky they are. This is an absolutely democratic garment small ones look bigger, and big ones look bigger too. I suppose it's conceivable that you could have breasts so large that if they got any perkier you'd take off, but that would be rare. Waists, I'm not particularly clue-filled about - people say they are an erogenous zone. Vivienne Westwood says the sexiest part of a woman's body is her waist.

I, however, am a coarse individual, and fail to see the sexiness of any body part which is distinguished by nothing but the fact that it's smaller than the bits above and below it. I also don't like to hold my breath in circumstances outside of excitement and bad smells. A custom-made corset will, apparently, leave you able to breathe and looking like a complete fox.

Much, much more important is the fastening. If you're going to have one that zips up the side, you may as well be wearing an Aertex vest and gym pants for all your awareness of clothes, sex and the intricate relationship that they have with one another. …

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