Newspaper article The Evening Standard (London, England)

Recession and How to Survive It

Newspaper article The Evening Standard (London, England)

Recession and How to Survive It

Article excerpt

Byline: ZOE WILLIAMS

Slut's guide Some hosiery guidelines Like in a war (and hey, we might even get one of those as well) the first thing to go in times of recession is the allocation of hosiery cash. This is because tights make up roughly a third of a slut's annual expenditure - they are not an obvious, inalienable right, like fags, but nor are they an easy thing to fashion in one's own home, like booze (see homebrewing, overleaf), so they will feel the pinch.

First, cease to wear opentoed shoes - that way, you can ladder two whole feet without ramification.

Second, only buy stockings, so that even if you ladder one leg irreparably, the other can live a fruitful life on its own.

Third, fishnets are quite hard to snag.

Fourth, outdoor sex will have to wait until the next boom period (unless you are evicted - see repossession, below).

Fifth, when you reach a venue at which it doesn't matter what you look like, for instance, home and work, take your stockings off to minimise ladder-risk, but don't leave them anywhere stupid, like a busy corridor.

Don't shoplift Here is a list of things I've stolen in my life - a mascara from the Body Shop, a flannel from Habitat (that was an accident) and a piece of cheese from Waitrose. I had a friend who used to steal whole sides of smoked salmon from supermarkets by slipping them down his trouser leg, working on the truism that when a man starts undoing his flies by a fish counter, everyone looks away. What I'm trying to say here is that anything remotely useful - fags, decent mascara, Pot Noodles - will either be hidden behind a counter or is the wrong shape.

It's far better to flog priceless family items, like medals and signed albums by Steeleye Span, to Cash Converters for units of 79p, which will mount up over time.

* Always wear G-strings A nyone who remembers the first series of Big Brother will know that these can be turned inside out six times, rather than the traditional two, thus saving on w ashing pow der. …

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