In college, when Lisa Concepcion and Alex Giassa shared a pizza,
they'd take turns picking up the tab. Now that Lisa and Alex are
married, decisions are no longer limited to plain cheese,
pepperoni, or whose turn it is to pay. A large chunk of every
paycheck from their full-time, public-relations jobs goes toward
the mortgage and furnishings for their new home. But those carefree
days at Rutgers University gave them a taste of the teamwork
required in marriage, says Ms. Giassa.
The Giassas now pool their earnings into one joint account, which
covers household expenses. And, because each of them makes a "decent
dime," they have individual accounts as well. "This arrangement
works great, but is often controversial," Giassa says, explaining
that her mother isn't timid about voicing her opinion. " 'What's
the point of getting married?' " she'll ask. "I guess we're pretty
modern," says Giassa, "but it's best this way. We see each other as
equals, and we are also a team."
The Giassa's arrangement is actually more common today than her
mother might think. But, of course, there are many variations. Some
couples prefer to share all their money. Others want to stay
separate down to the last dime. One thing is certain, though: Money
issues can be a source of tension in any marriage, but those
couples who work as a team and communicate openly, honestly, and
frequently about finances are often happier.
Take it from Elliot Cohan, who has been counseling couples for 30
years. "Before you hook up," advises Mr. Cohan, "it's critical to
discover 'how important is money to your honey?' Does it matter that
you earn more than he does or vice versa? What are your prospective
partner's financial goals? Is he or she a spender or saver? Is he or
she generous or cheap? Is money viewed as power or love?"
After consulting your intuition, observing closely, and having a
few initial talks, it's time to roll up your sleeves and get down
to the nitty-gritty. This can't happen early enough, says family-
finance expert Terry Savage, who often appears on CNN, CNBC, and
public-television's "The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer."
"When planning to get married, couples talk about religion, sex,
politics, and even pick names for their kids, but they don't talk
about money!" Ms. Savage says, incredulously.
In those early discussions, she adds, couples must strategize
about everything from banking and saving (will they have joint,
separate, or both types of accounts) to how they will afford
retirement (set mutual goals and a plan for reaching them).
Lifestyle expectations must also be discussed. "If one spouse is
going to work part time, stay at home raising children, or become
an entrepreneur without a regular paycheck, you'll have to
restructure your expectations," Savage says. "Valuing contributions
to a marriage means you'll have to look beyond dollars and cents.
"Problems arise when one person comes to the marriage with
savings or investments, and the other brings a pile of past debts,"
she says, advising: "Before the ceremony, figure out if the 'saver'
is willing to subsidize the 'spender,' and if the 'spender' is
willing to commit to a plan of paying off those debts."
As newlyweds, Denise and Michael Panco weren't burdened by heavy
debt, but they did have to face their differences after buying
their first home left them "officially broke."
"He was used to paying the minimum, so he had more money for
'today,' whereas I was working at making 'tomorrow' easier by
paying off my debts earlier," Ms. Panco explains.
In their 20s, the Pancos are learning to work better as a team.
"I have friends who have divorced because they thought marriage was
a way to be taken care of," she says, "but we've learned that it
takes two people working and contributing. …