Newspaper article The Christian Science Monitor

Life's Pattern of Good ; A Christian Science Perspective on Daily Life

Newspaper article The Christian Science Monitor

Life's Pattern of Good ; A Christian Science Perspective on Daily Life

Article excerpt

I was dating a very nice guy I'd met at church. He seemed so perfect. He was courteous, diligent, and just an all around good man - and I appreciated that. We had a nice time together, but it was pretty clear to both of us that it would be a mistake to get married.

So, I should have been prepared when he broke up with me after several months, but instead it hit me hard. It started to eat away at me that such a good man didn't think I was the right kind of woman for him. Even though on one level I knew we were doing the right thing, and that I actually was a reasonably good person, I started to question my love-worthiness.

The thought of not being good enough caught hold, and I had a hard time shaking it. And because I didn't nip it in the bud, that line of thinking gradually grew and took on a life of its own. I started to imagine that my friend had actually said that I wasn't good enough for him. Then I decided that meant I must not be good. So then what good was I? This train of thought repeated itself over and over, spiraling downward, as if sucking me into its whirlpool.

For a period of about two years I felt increasingly worthless and miserable. It was a constant battle between what I knew was true about God and His love for me, and what this mesmeric miasma was making me feel like.

One Friday afternoon, I went home for the weekend feeling desperate for an answer. My thoughts were no longer just dark - I was thinking about committing suicide. Even though I knew deep down that death wasn't a solution, I kept thinking about it.

All day that Saturday, I sat on the steps of a building where no one would know me. I went over and over the cyclical scenario of being no good and unworthy of love. And I kept asking God why I should live.

Once when I'd had another tough question, I'd persistently asked God for an answer. After a while, a very clear concept had developed in my thinking, to the point that I'd known without a doubt that it was God's reply.

Now this time, I was again determined to ask and listen for the answer until it came. …

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