Newspaper article St Louis Post-Dispatch (MO)

Some Sure-Fire Ways to Beat the Cold

Newspaper article St Louis Post-Dispatch (MO)

Some Sure-Fire Ways to Beat the Cold

Article excerpt

BEFORE I left for work this morning, I read the paper and there was a story with tips on surviving the cold spell.

It said dress warmly. So I put on long underwear, boots and earmuffs. Actually, I already had them on when I got up. It said that to avoid frostbite, wiggle toes and fingers. All the way to work, I wiggled my toes and fingers, even on a crowded bus. A woman standing next to me on the bus was offended.

I followed all the instructions, and when I got to work I was cold and numb and miserable.

That always happens, because it is the same lousy advice we get every cold winter. I've been reading the same stuff all my life, and wiggling my toes and fingers, and wearing long underwear, and taking shortcuts through office buildings, and not rubbing snow on frostbite but using warm water instead, and putting a scarf over my face, and every winter I'm still cold and miserable.

We need some new cold weather advice. And since nobody else is offering any, here are a few of my suggestions for surviving subzero temperatures.

Don't go to work. To hell with it. The world isn't going to end if you don't show up. And even if it does, you might as well be home to make sure looters don't break in. Call in with some kind of excuse. Tell them a pack of wild dogs is outside your door and will eat you if you go out.

Then stay in bed all morning. When you get up, don't wash. It's bad for you. Eskimos don't. Spend the afternoon watching the soap operas. There are some good ones on. Really dirty. They do more shocking things in one segment than Helen Trent or Our Gal Sunday did in a lifetime. If your wife knows the soap opera plots, and what they've been doing in detail, you might make a mental note to check on what else she has been up to while you are at work. TV can put ideas in a person's head, you know.

Or, in the morning, you might call a few pals and suggest that they take the day off, too, and invite them over and get a poker game going. There's nothing like sitting around on a cold day, playing poker and drinking beer, when everybody else is at work. You'll like it.

And order out for some pizza. It's the best thing for warding off frostbite. …

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