The more the Upon Further Review staff thinks about it, the
more we wonder if this whole World Cup thing is a good idea.
Consider the following soccer news items and connect the dots:
Last week in the English League playoffs, two players from
Darby were assaulted at the New Den Stadium by grumpy Millwall fans
who ran onto the field. After the game, a 1,000-person mob attacked
cars in the parking lot. Thoughtless Millwall fans spit on
television cameramen filming the incidents, reporters were attacked
and Darby fans needed a police escort to leave the stadium.
It seems playoff soccer just makes people crazy. "If I had my
way, the playoffs would be scrapped or else changed radically,"
Millwall chairman REG BURR said. "The people who were causing the
problems aren't people who normally come here. They just come when
there is a big match."
Thank god England didn't qualify for the World Cup.
Speaking of crazy, in a match west of Algiers, Algeria, referee
NOURREDINE TERHKI issued a red card to Ain Boudinar player MOHAMED
KORTI for insulting him. Miffed, Korti punched Terhki in the
temple, killing him instantly. The match was cancelled. (Let's hope
Korti gets a longer suspension than RICK ZOMBO.)
International soccer officials criticized U.S. security teams
for installing restraining fences at World Cup site stadiums to
keep fans off the field. The officials warned that fans could get
bowled into the fences and crushed when crowds get excited.
Near Palo Alto, Calif., Sunday, a reserve police officer was
killed during a pre-Cup hostage training exercise on an Amtrak
train. Do you ever hear about hostage training exercises at the
Now would be a good time to buy stock in companies that
manufacture pepper gas.
Elsewhere in sports this week:
This just in from the Gatorade Science Sports Institute:
"Apparently some athletes are performing at their best when they
are highly aroused, others when they are deeply relaxed, and others
still when moderately aroused." How this connects with the World
Cup team celibacy trend, we don't know.
The stars of the Brazilian World Cup team are ROMARIO, RAI,
DUNGA, BABETO, BRANCO and JUNIOR. Didn't these guys used to be
Marion County, Ind., court officials have announced they will
charge admission to the MIKE TYSON sentence reduction hearing June
13. No word yet on whether the fee with include unlimited nachos
and soft drinks.
The Colorado Silver Bullets finally scored their first run.
Somewhere, TOM HANKS was smiling.
From the UFR Gift Shop: OZZIE SMITH has finally hit the big
time. He is one of 20 major leaguers this year to get his own
commemorative coin from the Environment people in Chicago. Oddly,
VINCENTE PALACIOS didn't make the cut. For information, call
What's happening to our country? First hot-shot Los Angeles
Kings owner BRUCE MCNALL implodes financially, then we get word
that New York Yankees boss GEORGE STEINBRENNER might be going belly
up. Maybe it's harder being rich than we thought.
On the other hand, America is still the land of opportunity.
TOM WINELAND, social coordinator for JENNIFER CAPRIATI, apparently
managed to sell his "story" to the bottom feeding TV show American
Journal for $17,000. …