I suppose it's a good thing Mike Keenan is a hockey coach and
not, say, a neurosurgeon.
Mike Keenan, neurosurgeon. Think of it.
Keenan: "Scalpel . . . forceps . . . bonus check . . ."
Nurse: "Excuse me?"
Keenan: "That's it. I'm gone."
Nurse: "What . . . What do you mean?!"
Keenan: "Breach of contract. I'm outta here. Sew up that
Nurse: "Wait! Where are you going?! You can't just walk out
Keenan: "Breach of contract. Late payment. Gotta go. Big money
Nurse: "But this man is dying!!"
Keenan: (singing) "I'm in the money! I'm in the money! I've got
a lot of what it takes to get along!"
I guess it's also a good thing that Mike Keenan is not a
Think of it. Mike Keenan, hostage negotiator.
Terrorist: "Unless we get $10 million in gold bullion and safe
passage to a private jet, we will blow up this building and
everyone in it!"
Keenan: "You got it. There's just one snag."
Terrorist: "What is that?"
Keenan: "My bonus check."
Keenan: "Oh sure. `Let's meet the terrorists' demands.' Always
the terrorists' demands. Well what about my demands?"
Terrorist: "Excuse me?!"
Keenan: "I guess I'm supposed to just stand here with my little
bullhorn and donate my time."
Terrorist: "You don't seem to understand . . ."
Keenan: "No, you don't seem to understand. Me, the gold and the
jet are taking a little trip to St. Louis together. How do you like
Terrorist: "We will kill all these people!"
Keenan: "Real sorry. But I'm off the clock."
It's probably a good thing that Mike Keenan is not a wedding
Think of it. Mike Keenan, wedding photographer.
Keenan: "Say cheese!" (Click.)
Bride: "This is the most wonderful day of my life! I can't wait
to get these pictures back!"
Groom: "Honey, I love you!"
Keenan: "Memories. They cost money. See ya."
Bride and Groom: "What?! Wait!"
Keenan: "Breach of contract. I'm going to shoot a wedding down
the street for more money."
Bride: "What breach of contract?!"
Keenan: "A meal. The photographer gets dinner. Where is it?"
Groom: "But we haven't even started serving the other guests
Keenan: "Oh, and I suppose that's my fault? If you hadn't spent
so much time hugging and kissing and mugging for the camera, maybe
my stomach wouldn't be growling right now. …