Newspaper article St Louis Post-Dispatch (MO)

Equal Rites Awards: Losers All

Newspaper article St Louis Post-Dispatch (MO)

Equal Rites Awards: Losers All

Article excerpt

Every Aug. 26, in homage to my foremothers, I celebrate the anniversary of the passage of woman's suffrage by dispensing those honors known far and wide as The Equal Rites Awards. This is a highly competitive event won by those who have done their best over the past 12 months to set back the progress of women.

The past year was particularly challenging for our one-woman jury. So many contestants, so few prizes. Besides, what do you say about a year during which the big advances for women were postmenopausal pregnancies and Wonderbras? How do you assess a year when a second woman got on the Supreme Court but the first lady remained a target for every sleaze thrower?

But enough of this wallowing in the past. The envelopes please.

The Patriarch of the Year Award goes to Bob Young, the Houston Oilers' (very) offensive line coach. Young trashed player David Williams for missing a game merely to see his son born. "It's like World War II," quoth Young, "when guys were going to war and something would come up but they had to go." Young, who was clearly AWOL of his senses, gets an adult-sized pacifier to keep in his mouth til the next NFL D-Day.

The Blind Justice Award, always suspenseful, goes to Judge Doug Meyer of Tennessee, who released a rape suspect who once heard voices telling him to rape. The suspect doesn't need a guardian, said the judge, "He needs a girlfriend." We send Judge Meyer a question: Would you have said Jeffrey Dahmer needed a good meal?

And while we are talking about blind justice, the Battle of the Sexes Award must be given in joint custody to - who else? - Lorena and John Bobbitt, who are both, alas, back on the streets. A special citation goes to the myriad joke writers who escalated hostility-through-humor. We send them sharp instruments for their dull wit: CUT!

And while we are on the subject of sex and sexism, our annual Raging Hormonal Imbalance Award, belongs to Donald C. Winston, a former teacher from Maine who was fired for sexual harassment. Winston claimed that he was being discriminated against as a disabled person. His disability? He's a sex addict. We send him admission to a 12-step program and a home testing kit for testosterone poisoning. …

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