Newspaper article St Louis Post-Dispatch (MO)

In the Race for Duly Elected Yutz

Newspaper article St Louis Post-Dispatch (MO)

In the Race for Duly Elected Yutz

Article excerpt

I TRAVEL A LOT throughout this great land of ours, and everywhere I go, in these politically uncertain times, people ask me the same question.

"Excuse me," they say. "Are you using that ketchup?"

Of course that's not what they really mean. What they want to know, but are too shy to ask, is: "Dave, are you going to run for president again?"

That is indeed a major question, and one that I have been pondering very seriously ever since I started writing this sentence. Having thought it over, I've decided to run.

Why am I running? For the same historic reason that motivated other top-quality U.S. presidential timbers such as Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Winston Churchill: All the other candidates are goobers.

I mean, have you seen who's running this time? One of them is named - really - "Lamar Alexander." I'm sorry, but the most powerful nation on Earth cannot have a president named Lamar. How would he - to cite just one presidential duty - negotiate with the Serbs? The Serbs feed guys named Lamar to their goats. No, if Lamar hopes to be taken seriously, he's going to have to change his first name to something presidential, something that has the ring of authority and toughness. Such as "Hillary."

We also cannot, in my opinion, afford to have a president named "Arlen," as in "Arlen Specter," who is also running, despite published reports that the letters in his name can be rearranged to spell "Creep Rentals."

Arlen and Lamar are two of the approximately 257 leading declared or semi-declared Republican candidates. (In a tragedy for humor writers everywhere, Dan Quayle has announced that he will not seek the presidency, citing concerns about "the part where you have to raise your hand and talk at the same time").

The reason so many Republicans are running is that they all believe they can beat President For Now Bill Clinton (Official Motto: "My Staff Has Carefully Reviewed This Moto"). In fact, polls show that a bale of peat moss, if it were wearing a blue suit, would have a serious shot at beating Bill Clinton, especially if they had a debate. This is why, even as you read these words, leading Republicans are tromping all over Iowa and New Hampshire, fawning over voters, feigning great interest in their opinions, pretending that they actually care what some pig farmer thinks about the Mexican peso bailout.

They're doing these things because that's how we make people run for president in this country: We make them go through a lengthy and highly embarrassing process that a person with even the tiniest shred of dignity would never get involved in. It's analogous to the ice-breaking party game "Twister," wherein somebody spins a pointer, and the players have to put their hands and feet on whatever colored circles it points to, thus winding up in humiliating positions. When this game is hauled out at a party, a self-respecting person such as yourself immediately wanders off to get a beer. …

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