Newspaper article St Louis Post-Dispatch (MO)

Nintendoheads Reject Call of Great Outdoors

Newspaper article St Louis Post-Dispatch (MO)

Nintendoheads Reject Call of Great Outdoors

Article excerpt

IN MY HOUSE, we are mounting a new campaign against the cult of Nintendo.

Just the other day I stumbled onto four members of the cult (my 14-year-old and three fellow disciples) kneeling in front of the television playing "StreetFighter II."

As they stared slack-jawed at the screen, fingers flying over the controllers, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to envision the four of them on the staff of the Yale Law Review, or in medical school, or working on the Mars Project for NASA someday. But the vision wouldn't come. Instead, I kept seeing a swarthy man in a red and white uniform with a paper cap and a name tag that said "Roy" barking to the boys: "Get out there and straighten up the salad bar." When I finally opened my eyes, the scene was equally depressing. On the screen, some mutant named Blanka with hair that resembled a porcupine caught at Ground Zero of a thermonuclear blast was beating up another thug named Zangief. Yeah, you gotta love "StreetFighter II." It makes you wonder what kind of charming game the people at Nintendo will think up next. Maybe "The Crips and Bloods Take Turns Whacking a Homeless Guy" or "Female Inmates at Leavenworth Cuff Around a Nun." Anyway, I watched this for a minute or two and finally I said: "Boys, time to go outside and play." This, of course, is the most chilling thing you can say to a member of the Nintendo cult. It implies fresh air, sunshine and perhaps even some degree of physical activity, which they are simply not prepared to experience. After shutting off the Nintendo and going outside, they emerge into the sun blinking like moles and shielding their eyes, stumbling aimlessly in circles and asking each other: "What do we do now?" Since the Nintendo cultists find the phrase "Time to go outside" so disturbing, I have adopted it as my mantra and probably use it, oh, 10 times a day, easy. In fact, the 14-year-old informed me that his friends are now reluctant to come over to our house, because they know I will bust up their cult meetings and make them go outside. …

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