Newspaper article Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (Pittsburgh, PA)

Take a Pill Ask Your Doctor If This Column Is Right for You

Newspaper article Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (Pittsburgh, PA)

Take a Pill Ask Your Doctor If This Column Is Right for You

Article excerpt

Regular readers of this column know I am kind of a word nerd, in the way that Greece is a little short of cash. So I have to share my concern about nonsense with you.

Remember when car names were actual words or places? Mustang, Galaxy, Mercury, Civic, Falcon, Malibu, Charger, Dart. Even Beetle is a word, though nobody ran with it and introduced the Ford Moth or the Toyota Horsefly.

But what on earth is a Camry? Altima? Prius? Passat? Elantra? With umlauts they could be IKEA furniture.

But the nonsense words that have really taken over our culture are drug names. Thanks to relentless ads, the number of prescription medications you can name just off the top of your congested head -- without even being on them -- is startling. (And I'm sure there's something you could be taking for being startled.)

My harebrained get-rich-quick scheme is a blockbuster combining two of our favorite things: sci-fi/fantasy and pharmaceuticals. Like this:

In a galaxy far, far away, the evil Dark Emperor Xanax of Nexium and his powerful toady, a fallen Knight of Cialis known as Lopressor, rule the Twelve Systems with an iron fist. They are building a secret megaweapon called Plan B on the planet Nonoxynol- 9, and when the plans are stolen by the rebels known as the Ritalin, Lopressor takes off after them with his elite Vicodin Guard.

We learn in a flashback that Lopressor is the lost Prince Paxil, son of King Zantac and Queen Spiriva of Lipitor. He fought against Xanax and the forces of Nexium, capturing the Cufflink of Might. He had promised the Circle of Cialis that he would destroy it in the fires of Mount Aricept, but instead he kept the Cufflink, which corrupted him. It is now the power source for Plan B.

The Ritalin rebels allied when Dark Emperor Xanax and Lord Lopressor decreed that an annual lottery would select one girl and one boy from each of the Twelve Systems to go to Nexium and participate in the brutal eating contest called the Craving Concourse. …

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