Newspaper article Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (Pittsburgh, PA)

Tom: I'm Here to Help Ease the Breakup

Newspaper article Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (Pittsburgh, PA)

Tom: I'm Here to Help Ease the Breakup

Article excerpt

Dear Tom Cruise:

This has been a tough week for us both. It hit the news that Katie Holmes is divorcing you, and I'm suffering without air conditioning through the second heat wave already this year.

(You probably have central air at your place in Hollywood, right? That's the kind of thing that I guess is de rigueur for a big movie star. Must be sweet.)

Putting my own discomfort aside for a moment (though if you're wondering what it's like to wake up at 3 a.m. with a sweaty neck, I can fill you in -- OK, probably not that interesting), I just wanted to reach out and tell you I'm sorry about the breakup. I regret that I wasn't summoned during your recent filming of "Jack Reacher" here in Pittsburgh, before everything fell apart irreparably, to offer counseling and provide a shoulder to lean on. (Maybe my shoulder's a bit high, since you're just 5-foot-7, but we could find a foot stool or something, if need be.)

If you'd like to fly me to Iceland where you're making a film now (good timing), I'd love to point out some of the flaws (not to be critical) in your behavior. As you just turned 50 on Tuesday, this is an important time to take stock of your life. You don't want to repeat the same mistakes in the second half-century that you made in the first -- for instance, no "Cocktail, Part II."

It can be hard to look in the mirror -- especially when you're so short, I'd say, if I were the kind to make fun of vertically challenged people, which I'm not -- and sometimes you just need to hear the truth from a well-meaning friend, or from a celebrity stalker, or whatever.

In terms of your love life with actresses, you've gone from dating Cher (now 66) to marrying Mimi Rogers (now 56) to marrying Nicole Kidman (now 45) to marrying Ms. Holmes (now 33). You don't have to be named Rorschach to see the pattern here. It makes me wonder how much time you might have spent canoodling in Pittsburgh last year with that actress from the Harry Potter films, Emma Watson (now 22), since she was here filming her own movie.

If I somehow guessed right about Ms. Watson, I would advise against jumping on a sofa shouting about your love for her. …

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