Newspaper article Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (Pittsburgh, PA)

No Fooling, Mother Nature: Pittsburgh Deserves a Break

Newspaper article Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (Pittsburgh, PA)

No Fooling, Mother Nature: Pittsburgh Deserves a Break

Article excerpt

Looked at the kitchen calendar over the weekend and noticed it was March, then saw that the weather out the window appeared stuck in some dreary December-January twilight zone.

There was only one thing for an enterprising journalist to do -- put in a call to Mother Nature. The following conversation ensued:

Mother Nature: Hello. You got all of nature's big mama here. Who's calling?

Morning File: Someone desperate for spring to arrive, mama. What gives?

Mother Nature: According to my calendar, sonny, spring don't get here till March 20. If you're not tough enough to endure a few more weeks of cold, rainy, sleety, wintry mix, why don't you pull the bed covers back over you in your fetal position and have a good girlie sob? Don't whine to me -- I've got enough on my plate, keeping an eye out for asteroids and meteorites.

Morning File: But this has gone on long enough! Punxsutawney Phil predicted an early spring this year.

Mother Nature: I imagine that was so a bunch of early-morning drunks could have a smile on their face while worshipping some clueless rodent. You must be just as intoxicated to believe any of it.

Morning File: It's just that the weather's been so unrelentingly depressing. We've had one day since the end of January with the thermometer above 50, and blue skies have been rarer than praise for Luke Ravenstahl.

Mother Nature: Where did you say you're calling from?

Morning File: Pittsburgh.

Mother Nature: Ha, Pittsburgh! You think you have the right to complain about whatever weather you get in Pittsburgh? Oy, what I have to put up with.

Morning File: But so many things have gone so well for us in recent years -- the economy, the riverfronts, the sports teams. The population has even quit plummeting. It'd be nice to see some better weather to complete the picture.

Mother Nature: That's the last reason to give you good weather! You want it all? You don't deserve it all. I'd rather provide a pleasant day to someplace that has other troubles. Now the Syrians - - they deserve good weather. You should have been in Damascus over the weekend -- temps in the 60s and 70s, sunshine. …

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