Newspaper article Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (Pittsburgh, PA)

This Man Has a Gift for Making an Appeal to Santa

Newspaper article Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (Pittsburgh, PA)

This Man Has a Gift for Making an Appeal to Santa

Article excerpt

Dear Santa:

Well, here we are again. Another year, another demand for lots of goodies on my part. I'm still none too pleased you stiffed me in 2013 - apparently because of a false accusation that I'd failed to pick up my litter after a Heinz Field concert - but I'm willing to forget that. We all make mistakes. No one's infallible, whether you or Rolling Stone magazine, so let's move on, shall we?

Let me present my strongest case up front for the handsome rewards I'm expecting on Thursday under the tree: I've done nothing to antagonize a totalitarian dictator unnecessarily, I've committed no acts of torture that have embarrassed my government, and I've exchanged no pornographic emails with any state officials.

Good start, right?

Oh, and I have not been caught on videotape assaulting my woman in any elevator. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I've never done other awful things to females in elevators, but I don't think I should be held accountable every time some hunched-over old biddy asks me to press one of the upper floor buttons and I pretend I can't hear her while my iPod earbuds are in. I mean, if I'd wanted to be an elevator doorman, I would have made sure I was born 50 years earlier.

I can assure that throughout 2014 I've been the kind of upstanding person to whom you'd want to deliver a 78-inch curved 3- D HD Smart TV. (If you could get it all set up with the cable company before leaving, that would be a big help, too - just saying.)

For instance, when a person of apparently foreign heritage coughed in front of me in a coffee shop line, I did not just passively stand by, leaving others to handle the crisis. I called 911 and reported a potential Ebola carrier whom the authorities had better swoop in and quarantine, for the safety of us all. That is the kind of committed and involved citizen I have been.

I'm not looking for any public congratulations for that, but some Bill Mazeroski memorabilia from 1960 World Series Game 7 would be nice, if you still have any in stock.

I know you get a lot of competing requests at this time of year, and it can be hard to sort everything out. I sympathize, but then again, it seems like your job gets easier every day from being able to scratch people off your gift list. …

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