Newspaper article St Louis Post-Dispatch (MO)

Cheney or McCain? Torture; Yet Another Challenge for Old White Guys

Newspaper article St Louis Post-Dispatch (MO)

Cheney or McCain? Torture; Yet Another Challenge for Old White Guys

Article excerpt

Things get harder and harder for Old White Guys. So much is expected of us. No wonder so many of us are angry.

This at a time in our lives when, to tell the truth, we're not feeling all that great. Our knees hurt. Our backs hurt. Our hips hurt. We have to take all kinds of pills. We must endure intrusive "procedures." Women no longer gaze upon as raptly as once they did.

Even getting our hair cut becomes an ordeal. Most barber shops these days are "salons," or cut-rate joints where women cut your hair only reluctantly. Ask them for a flat-top, they only stare. And not in a good way.

We are no longer the target demo. We've already bought most of the stuff we're ever going to buy and most of it is broken. There's hardly any place left that'll let us smoke a cigar except frou-frou cigar bars that charge eight bucks for a bottle of Bud.

Worst of all, Old White Guys carry a huge political burden. We are the backbone of the Republican Party. The angrier we are, the better, so knuckleheads on talk radio stir us up. We tune in to Fox News to get our marching orders from other OWGs or blonde women in short skirts. They ask a lot of us.

Last week we found out we had to embrace torture, except for John McCain, who got a pass because he's actually been tortured. Lucky ducky.

It's been worse. Two years ago today a whack-job with his mama's guns killed 20 little kids and six adults in Newtown, Conn., and we had to believe that gun regulations were a bad idea. The NRA summoned us, and we answered the call. Guns don't kill people, whack- jobs with their mamas' guns kill people. It's about mental health, see? It's about bad parenting.

This was hard because, you know, six-year-olds. But we got over it.

And a good thing, too, because more challenges were on the horizon. There was Obamacare and we hate Obamacare. If anyone's going to get government-subsidized health care, it's us.

We're not really sure why we hate Obamacare so much except there's not much in it for us. It has been hard work avoiding the details, because if you study the details, it might seem like a good idea that actually was hatched by Republicans. But never mind! It's a bad idea now because it helps other people and not us. …

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