Newspaper article The Record (Bergen County, NJ)

Removing Tags from Pillows? You'll Be Sorry!

Newspaper article The Record (Bergen County, NJ)

Removing Tags from Pillows? You'll Be Sorry!

Article excerpt

At the beginning of summer, I bought some cushions for my patio chairs and removed all their tags with no problem!

Nah.

Just kidding.

Like so many Americans, I live in a cushion-and-pillow-strewn environment. I have pillows on my sofa, pillows on my armchairs, lounge chairs, wicker chairs ...

One chair in my dining room has a cushion on it that provides solace to my aching back. Ditto for the chair in my home office, which has two. Then there's my bed, which has four throw pillows artfully placed on top of four bed pillows.

Each of these fluffy squares, rectangles and hexagons came with one or more tags. And even though I know in my heart of hearts that you can't rip off these tags -- with the same deeply satisfying wrist action used to rip off Band-Aids -- I can't help myself.

Men, you see, have this "can-do" attitude. Even though experience has taught us that we can't do something, we are hopelessly wired to try, try again.

As a result, one of my four $39 patio chair cushions was torn apart 15 seconds after I brought it home.

"I can do this!" I said to myself, grabbing the tag securely and tearing it off, in one bold, testosterone-fueled motion.

I then studied the torn seam of my $39 cushion (will the store give me a refund if I scream loud enough?) and squinted at the unrecognizable otherworldly white fibers inside.

What is this stuff?

Feeling temporarily defeated, I then tiptoed into the house, found some scissors and returned to the patio to snip the intact tags off my three other cushions.

This annoyed me for two reasons: First, because this is America and I should be able to rip off a tag LIKE A MAN without having to futz around with some stupid scissors. And, second, because even with scissors, you can't get rid of the entire tag, which is, literally, sewn onto the thing you're trying to remove it from.

Who has the time for this nonsense?

Which reminds me: Years ago, every time I'd get a new dress shirt, I'd develop a nervous rash because I knew that, sooner or later, I was going to have to free it from its plastic bag and begin the nearly endless process of unwrapping, unfolding and de-tagging it.

Tag here. Tag there. Tag under the arm. See-through adhesive tag over the breast pocket. …

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