Newspaper article THE JOURNAL RECORD

Mind over Hair

Newspaper article THE JOURNAL RECORD

Mind over Hair

Article excerpt

As if you needed another reason not to get out of bed in the morning, a new study suggests that there may be a link between body hair and intelligence.

Speaking at the Congress of the Association of European Psychiatrists in London recently, Dr. Aikarakudy Alias said that doctors and other highly educated men are more likely to have hairy chests than your average Joe Lunchbucket.

Even more alarming, Alias said that some of the most intelligent men have hair on their backs as well as on their chests.

Alias cited Robin Williams, Peter Sellers, chess player Garry Kasparov and Charles Darwin as examples of hairy men with high I.Q.s.

As someone who, at age 44, is still waiting for his first chest hair to appear, I think I speak for furless men everywhere when I say that Alias's findings are... are... well, I can't think of the right word at the moment, but let's just say they're not good.

If Alias (if that is indeed his real name) had done his research, he would have discovered that there are plenty of smart, hairless guys around, including... including... hang on. Give me a minute ...

E.T. Right! He was hairless and remember how smart he was? Well, I can't either, to tell you the truth, but he must have been pretty clever because they named a movie after him.

Then there was the boxer, Muhammed Ali. Brilliant man. Not a hair on his body. Wrote poetry. "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee." Terrific stuff. Sort of reminds me of that guy, whatsisname, who wrote "Leaves of Grass." Whittaker? Watkins? Wyman? Something like that.

We hairless guys are not only intelligent, we're also sexy. I'm thinking, specifically, of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Plump. Jolly. Cute-as-a-button. And smoo-o-o-oth. I mean, who'd want to eat a hairy biscuit? Yecch! …

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