When David asked me to be his best man, I have to admit I felt nervous at the thought of giving this toast. It made me nervous because I realized I'd have to somehow pick from the thousands of embarrassing stories involving David's bizarre dating experiences that I know. I thought I might tell you about the time he managed to break his nose while out on a blind date. I also thought I could tell you about the date who managed to steal David's wallet during their romantic dinner. But then I figured, no. It's his wedding, so I'll give the guy a break. Instead of embarrassing him, I'll tell a story about myself. It just so happens to be the story of how I met Lisa, now Mrs. David Bernstein, for the first time.
I'd been hearing David describe this fantastic new woman in his life for weeks. Based on everything he told me about Lisa and her background, I had a picture of her in my mind as being pretty high class and stylish, on par with say Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn. So you can imagine how panicked I was when, one Saturday night, minutes after I'd come in from a run, David buzzed my apartment to tell me that he and Lisa were downstairs and wanted to come up.
I had been working all week on a nightmarish project that kept me at the office until late hours. To call my apartment a sty at that point is probably an insult to pigs. And this was the time David chose to introduce me to his Grace Kelly. So I did what any guy in my position would do—I tried to hide the mess; you know, frantically shoving the pizza boxes under the couch, putting dirty dishes back in cabinets, stuff like that. I didn't have time, though, to change out of my sweaty workout clothes I was still wearing after my run.
Well, David and Lisa come in, and of course Lisa couldn't be any nicer. After kissing me hello, she went to the fridge, helped herself to