"Be Not Deceived": The Sacred and Sexual Struggles of Gay and Ex-Gay Christian Men

By Michelle Wolkomir | Go to book overview

8
The Wives
of Ex-gay
Christian Men

In 1998, Lisa’s friend Dan invited her to a birthday party so that he could introduce her to his friend Steve. She liked Steve from the start, and they began dating in spite of rumors that he and Dan were involved. Lisa saw these rumors as people buying into stereotypes of men who had some feminine attributes, and she paid no attention to them. After all, Dan was married with a child, and Steve had children from a previous marriage. Her relationship with Steve blossomed quickly. He was everything she was looking for: a friend who was fun and loving, a man who wanted to be an involved father, and a devoted Christian who taught Sunday school. The only troubling aspect of their relationship, according to Lisa, was that Steve did not seem to desire her sexually. She assumed his restraint was the result of a decision to save sex for wedlock. Less than a year after they met, Lisa and Steve were married.

In many ways, their marriage was fine, but Steve remained sexually apathetic, making Lisa feel like something was wrong with her. Further, Steve and Dan’s friendship was worrisome. They spent a lot of time together, occasionally going out to clubs until late and often fighting bitterly. Lisa’s friends and parents became concerned, and she had fights with them about Steve, always defending him. When Lisa confronted Steve about his behavior, he blamed her for their difficulties, telling her he would go to marriage counseling only after she went to therapy and made progress on her problems. Eventually, Dan’s wife

-152-

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"Be Not Deceived": The Sacred and Sexual Struggles of Gay and Ex-Gay Christian Men
Table of contents

Table of contents

  • Title Page iii
  • Contents vii
  • Acknowledgments ix
  • Prologue xi
  • Part I - The Cultural Origins and Biographical Paths of the Dilemma 1
  • 1: The Problem with Being Gay and Christian 3
  • 2: Alternate Theologies Sins and Solutions 18
  • 3: The Dilemmas of Christian Men Who Desire Men 39
  • 4: Choosing a Path to Resolution 54
  • Part II - The Resolution of Dilemmas and the Transformative Process 77
  • 5: Challenging Traditional Meanings 79
  • 6: Learning to Be a Gay or Ex-Gay Christian 105
  • 7: Authenticity and the Good Christian 132
  • 8: The Wives of Ex-Gay Christian Men 152
  • 9: Conclusion the Parameters of Change 180
  • Appendix 201
  • Notes 209
  • References 211
  • Index 219
  • About the Author 227
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