LXIV

BUT about three in the morning Philip awoke and could not sleep again. He began to think of Mildred. He tried not to, but could not help himself. He repeated to himself the same thing time after time till his brain reeled. It was inevitable that she should marry: life was hard for a girl who had to earn her own living; and if she found someone who could give her a comfortable home she should not be blamed if she accepted. Philip acknowledged that from her point of view it would have been madness to marry him: only love could have made such poverty bearable, and she did not love him. It was no fault of hers; it was a fact that must be accepted like any other. Philip tried to reason with himself. He told himself that deep down in his heart was mortified pride; his passion had begun in wounded vanity, and it was this at bottom which caused now great part of his wretchedness. He despised himself as much as he despised her. Then he made plans for the future, the same plans over and over again, interrupted by recollections of kisses on her soft pale cheek and by the sound of her voice with its trailing accent; he had a great deal of work to do, since in the summer he was taking Chemistry as well as the two examinations he had failed in. He had separated himself from his friends at the hospital, but now he wanted companionship. There was one happy occurrence: Hayward a fortnight before had written to say that he was passing through London and had asked him to dinner; but Philip, unwilling to be bothered, had refused. He was coming back for the season, and Philip made up his mind to write to him.

He was thankful when eight o'clock struck and he could get up. He was pale and weary. But when he had bathed, dressed, and had breakfast, he felt himself joined up again with the world at large; and his pain was a little easier to bear. He did not feel like going to lectures that morning,

-382-

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Of Human Bondage
Table of contents

Table of contents

  • Title Page *
  • I 1
  • II 3
  • III 6
  • IV 11
  • V 15
  • VI 19
  • VII 25
  • VIII 28
  • IX 33
  • X 39
  • XI 43
  • XII 49
  • XIII 53
  • XIV 56
  • XV 62
  • XVI 69
  • XVII 76
  • XVIII 82
  • XIX 86
  • XX 91
  • XXI 96
  • XXII 107
  • XXIII 111
  • XXIV 117
  • XXV 119
  • XXVI 122
  • XXVII 130
  • XXVIII 136
  • XXIX 143
  • XXX 146
  • XXXI 153
  • XXXII 156
  • XXXIII 165
  • XXXIV 175
  • XXXV 181
  • XXXVI 190
  • XXXVII 195
  • XXXVIII 201
  • XXXIX 208
  • XL 213
  • XLI 221
  • XLII 230
  • XLIII 236
  • XLIV 244
  • XLV 252
  • XLVI 261
  • XLVII 267
  • XLVIII 277
  • XLIX 286
  • L 294
  • LI 302
  • LII 307
  • LIII 315
  • LIV 321
  • LV 327
  • LVI 334
  • LVII 339
  • LVIII 345
  • LIX 353
  • LX 361
  • LXI 365
  • LXII 371
  • LXIII 377
  • LXIV 382
  • LXV 387
  • LXVI 391
  • LXVII 398
  • LXVIII 404
  • LXIX 410
  • LXX 419
  • LXXI 427
  • LXXII 433
  • LXXIII 439
  • LXXIV 448
  • LXXV 455
  • LXXVI 462
  • LXXVII 470
  • LXXVIII 474
  • LXXIX 481
  • LXXX 489
  • LXXXI 494
  • LXXXII 503
  • LXXXIII 507
  • LXXXIV 513
  • LXXXV 520
  • LXXXVI 526
  • LXXXVII 531
  • LXXXVIII 540
  • LXXXIX 548
  • XC 552
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  • XCII 563
  • XCIII 570
  • XCIV 576
  • XCV 585
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  • XCVII 601
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  • Xcix 614
  • C 618
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  • Cvi 652
  • Cvii 661
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  • Cxii 697
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  • Cxiv 710
  • Cxv 716
  • Cxvi 722
  • Cxvii 730
  • Cxviii 736
  • Cxix 744
  • Cxx 750
  • Cxxi 756
  • Cxxii 763
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