The Fan: The Solution to the Becks Problem? He Becomes Manager of Spurs
Davies, Hunter, New Statesman (1996)
Lots of things have become clear this season, such as: only three teams have the remotest chance of winning the Premiership, and Carlisle United will need the miracle of all miracles to stay in the Third Division, but there are still far too many mysteries.
Why is Jamie Redknapp captain of Spurs? I suddenly saw him the other week and my first reaction was heh up, what's he doing here. Lost, poor soul, wandered on to the pitch by mistake. Then I remembered that two years ago he had been acquired on a free transfer--far too expensive, but Spurs do throw their money around--and been injured ever since. Spurs is of course a charity, taking in the sick, the lame, the homeless, but why the hell has he been made captain? He has no connection with the club, is not an international, can't play, can't lead. Very mysterious. Does he know something, or is David Pleat in love with him? He has got gorgeous hair. We are told that Rohan Ricketts and Stephane Dalmat no longer appear because Pleat doesn't like them any more. So are Pleat and Redknapp going strong? Photos, please.
How does Brian Marwood find work? As one of Sky's commentators, he is so wooden that he makes Clive Allen look hyperactive. He tells us what we can already see, repeats every banal remark twice, and spins out sentences by adding "in this football match". We know it's a football match, Brian. That's why we tuned in. Then he goes all schoolmasterly and says "we've talked about that earlier" so we know, dear God, that he's going to repeat himself again--and that's exactly what he does. And if he says "exactly what he does" again, I'll scream.
It must be a plot by the Ron Atkinson fan club. The more that bores like Marwood and Allen appear on the screen, the more we all shout, "Bring on Big Ron." At least his nonsense is amusing.
Who ate all the pies? ... is now clearly totally out of date. The modern version is: "Who drank all the champagne?" Watching Fulham the other day, I noticed a hoarding behind the goals saying "Champagne Lanson--the champagne of Fulham FC". …