SIR CLIVES CASEBOOK; WITH Apologies to a Famous Agony Aunt, DAVID THOMAS Imagines a New Career for an Ex-England Rugby Coach with a Penchant for Football
Byline: DAVID THOMAS
DEAR SIR CLIVE
WHAT can I do? The English don't love me any more! I know I've been a bad boy.
I ran off with Ulrika and Faria. I tried to run off with Roman. And there was that unfortunate summer trip to Portugal.
But I thought I'd put that behind me. I'd got a four-year contract. All I asked for was [pounds sterling]16million. Is that really too much?
Then I went to Austria for a romantic weekend in Vienna with the people I love most: David Beckham, Michael Owen and David James. They still care for me.
I cheated on Nancy, but I've never cheated on Becks. I played him when his foot was broken and when he was overweight.
The game started splendidly. We went two up, we had three points in the bag.
Suddenly it all went - how you say? - pear-shaped. Jamo let in a shot that Mr Magoo could have stopped. Becks got booked. I substituted Steven Gerrard by mistake, because I thought he was injured.
On came Jamie Carragher, because it's calm, sensible and Swedish to add an extra defender when you're desperate for a goal and Shaun Wright-Phillips is on the bench.
Next we play Poland. If we lose, I'll get the sack. Nancy will leave me.
Okay, so that's one upside. But seriously, Sir Clive, you're a winning coach.
Yours in desperation,