An Alphabet Enhancer Is Risky, Too!!!

Daily Herald (Arlington Heights, IL), March 6, 2005 | Go to article overview

An Alphabet Enhancer Is Risky, Too!!!


Byline: Mike Imrem

Did I ever tell you about the time I testified before Congress?

Lawmakers wanted to hear what I had to say about the alphabet enhancing drugs that allegedly had become prominent in professional sports writing.

I was considered an expert on the subject after authoring "Crammed: Hot Type, Rampant Vowels, Smash Consonants and How Dangling Participles Got Big."

This is relevant today only because of Jose Canseco. He is expecting to be called later this month to testify before a congressional committee investigating steroid use in major-league baseball.

Canseco is the best-selling author of "Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits and How Baseball Got Big" - clearly a rip-off of my earlier tell-all.

Anyway, Canseco has been quoted as saying he looks forward to testifying. You can quote me as saying that judging by my experience, be careful what you wish for.

Seriously, Mr. Pimple Back, our Congress is one intimidating body. Nothing you know is sacred or secret, as evidenced by this transcript of my agonizing, self-revealing, life-altering appearance.

Committee chairman: "Allow me to start by asking how you first became acquainted with alphabet enhancers."

Yours truly: "The first recollection I have is the 1988 World Series. I read that Tommy Lasorda ..."

CC: "The Dodgers manager."

YT: "Yes, sir. I read he had been experimenting with anabolic lasagna. After his team upset the Mets and A's to win the world championship, I explored whether anabolic alphabet enhancers were available."

CC: "And they were even back then?"

YT: "Absolutely. Everywhere. I might have been the last person in my profession to learn about them. …

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