A Survey of Recent Surveys Might Lead You to Say Knickers to the Lot

Western Mail (Cardiff, Wales), December 5, 2005 | Go to article overview

A Survey of Recent Surveys Might Lead You to Say Knickers to the Lot


Byline: By STEVE GROVES

I like a nice survey. It saves me looking in the mirror to see who I am. The last seven days, for example, have helped me to know roughly how much I spend on watching the telly, how much time I've spent with my children, how much time I waste when waiting, even how much sex I'm supposed to be having and with whom.

Yes. I apologise about that last bit. Sorry, Mum. And in case anyone actually reads this, don't continue in the belief or hope that I'm about to reveal habits of a carnal nature. It's just that they reckon that the level of creativity within a person is a factor in determining how many sexual partners they're likely to have. The more creative, the more likely is the chance of a lustful interface.

This would explain the antics of a Lord Byron, they say. But what does it say about the wanderings of knicker king Danny Baldwin in Coronation Street, I wonder, unless you include creative accounting in the inviting world of ladies' underwear in the scheme of things?

Is it suggesting that people with creative minds can think up better stories to cover their tracks?

But I don't claim to have a creative bone in my body, so the current Mrs Groves can rest assured that when I return home after a night of socialising, that really is chalk from the snooker hall on my collar - not something put there just to make her think that I've been leaning over the baize all night trying to sink the pink. …

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