Advice to a Man of the People: Don't Trust a Woman You're Not Sleeping With
Dear Jacob Zuma
I was reading my Bible on Sunday afternoon while taking a break from drinking heavily and abusing the wife when I came across a story involving your namesake. The similarities were startling.
Jacob was the third biblical patriarch. You are likely to be the third democratically elected president.
Neither of you went to school.
Jacob had 12 sons with several wives and concubines. You're not telling how many children you have, but I'm willing to bet that your strike rate would make the other Jacob look impotent.
Jacob was a gentle man and so, I believe, are you. That business with the machine gun is simply something you have to do to appease the bloodlust of the voters.
One day, Jacob's brother Esau returned from the field faint from a lack of food. Seeing an opportunity, Jacob offered to sell Esau some lentil soup in exchange for the birthright which belonged to Esau as the older brother.
One day, you returned from the office faint from a lack of money. Seeing an opportunity, you (alleged-ly) met with Alain Thetard who (allegedly) offered you R500 000 a year in exchange for protection against a probe into arms deal irregularities.
Jacob's last 17 years were spent in Egypt. Your last 17 years will be spent in the Union Buildings. Or maybe Westville Prison.
Jacob died at the age of 147. It might be best for all concerned if this is where the similarities between you and your biblical counterpart come to an end.
I must congratulate you on getting the ANC Women's League to come around to our way of thinking. You have done a magnificent job of getting so-called women's issues off the national agenda and back into the bedroom where they belong.
You, Jacob, are a man of the people. Do you mind if I call you "Jacob"? Of course you don't. You are such a grassroots type of fellow that you would probably object to the formality. Jake it is, then.
Jake for President. It has a nice ring to it. And why not? You have demonstrated that you possess what it takes to lead this fine country. For a start, most men are too afraid to have unprotected sex with an HIV-positive woman.
But not you, Jake. You showed the world that real men don't discriminate. You showed us that real men treat all women equally. Your disease is my disease. Or, as the Spanish say, su enfermedad es mi enfermedad.
You, more than most, have a firm grasp of the axiom that powerful men have powerful libidos. …