Anyone for a Dip in Sir Dougie's Moat? Pop by for a Spot of Tennis with Oliver Letwin. Snuggle Up in Michael Gove's Chinon Armchair. Have a Tug on Jacqui Smith's Bath Plug. You Paid for It -- You Enjoy It!

Daily Mail (London), May 16, 2009 | Go to article overview

Anyone for a Dip in Sir Dougie's Moat? Pop by for a Spot of Tennis with Oliver Letwin. Snuggle Up in Michael Gove's Chinon Armchair. Have a Tug on Jacqui Smith's Bath Plug. You Paid for It -- You Enjoy It!


Byline: Deborah Ross deborah.ross@dailymail.co.uk THE DOMESTIC GODDESS

OOD news! If, as a taxpayer, you cannot be reconciled with paying for MPs' bath-plugs and moat repairs and toasters and mock Tudor beams, you will be happy to hear that NDG Enterprises, which specialises in being enterprising, although never before lunch, has devised a plan which is capable of resolving the situation to everybody's satisfaction.

The plan is this: whatever has been paid for by public money, can now be enjoyed by the public. It is a simple plan, but quite enterprising, which is why NDG Enterprises is at the forefront of this kind of business, although never before noon.

(Well, once before noon, but we did not like it and swore never again).

Anyway, welcome to our latest idea, and to the result, NDG Tours, which will be operating nationally to help you get your money's worth. We have already produced our first brochure, as detailed below, and do hope you'll join us for a swim in Sir Douglas Hogg's moat. Now, come on, that sounds like fun, right? SIR DOUGLAS HOGG'S MOAT SIR DOUGLAS HOGG'S moat, which circles his Lincolnshire country estate and was recently cleaned ([pounds sterling]2,000), will be open to the general public from 9am to 4pm in the winter, and 9am to 8pm in the summer.

During this time you are welcome to swim and picnic and should you want tea, you may summon the full-time housekeeper you also helped pay for.

Sir Douglas, a Tory grandee, is thrilled that the public can enjoy all they have funded. 'It is not before time,' he said, 'although I will try to shoot everyone all the same.' He then added: 'You must understand, I could have also charged for cleaning my 70 peasants, 42 yeomen and 12 lute players, but did not. Also, I was planning to have my jousting lance repaired, but may not do so now I know I'll probably have to G pay for it myself.

' And one last thing, if I may? Do 'And one last thing, if I may? Do you have any idea how much it costs to clean a suit of armour these days? Or how much it costs to put a peacock though school?' PLEASE NOTE: Coaches will run hourly from all major cities, and all minor ones, and all villages and all single dwellings in remote areas, and will all stop at Oliver Letwin's for a spot of tennis on the way.

MICHAEL GOVE'S LONDON FLAT THIS is a unique opportunity to spend a most comfortable morning or afternoon -- please book ahead, stating your preference -- in Mr Gove's flat in North Kensington.

Here, you may sit in the shadow education minister's Chinon armchair ([pounds sterling]331) while basking in the light from his twin elephant lamps ([pounds sterling]134.50) or, if you prefer, you can relax in his birch Camargue chair ([pounds sterling]432) while admiring the painted Chinese scenes on his Manchu cabinet ([pounds sterling]493). …

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Anyone for a Dip in Sir Dougie's Moat? Pop by for a Spot of Tennis with Oliver Letwin. Snuggle Up in Michael Gove's Chinon Armchair. Have a Tug on Jacqui Smith's Bath Plug. You Paid for It -- You Enjoy It!
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