I've Done My Research and Surveys Are Load of Twaddle
Byline: Shari Low
NOW that the Botox has worn off, there are many things in life that make my brow furrow in confusion.
The laws of physics. The point of Nick Clegg. Celebrities who are barely pregnant but already talking about losing their post-baby weight. Latin. Why wee boys view soap, toothpaste and shirt collars as the work of Satan. Kerry Katona's decisionmaking processes.
But after consulting with a carefully chosen group of friends, acquaintances and folk at the nearest bus stop, there's another enigma on the list - the modern day obsession with surveys.
I want to track down the person who invented Family Fortunes and subject him to a few of the top 10 forms of punishment, as voted by 100 random strangers: detention, hard labour and receiving inappropriate sex texts from Vernon Kay. Several surveys this week have my hackles in the upright position. I seethed when I read that, according to new figures, Scotland has the highest diesel prices in Europe.
Another new study concluded that the two biggest conversation stoppers are money and weight. As a chunky bird with an overdraft, I'm now considering joining a religious order of silence.
The research that concluded half of all women hate getting their picture taken made me flush with embarrassment. I just got the snaps back from the hols and they're devastating. I now have conclusive evidence as to why I had two children - one to hide each side of my hips in photographs. But the most infuriating? David Cameron's Happiness Survey.
I'd be a lot bloody happier if the NHS wasn't in crisis, we weren't engaged in pointless wars, if our pensions weren't being decimated, crime was lower, MPs would stop plundering public funds, energy companies weren't allowed to rip us off, bankers were accountable for their fiascos and schools had sufficient funds to ensure the country maintained a decent standard of education. …