My Favorite Mistake: Jason Schwartzman

By Schwartzman, Jason | Newsweek, June 11, 2012 | Go to article overview

My Favorite Mistake: Jason Schwartzman


Schwartzman, Jason, Newsweek


Byline: Jason Schwartzman

On the worst massage of his life.

I was going out with a woman, as I often did, and maybe I seemed stressed out, but she decided to spoil me with a massage at a spa. Massages are things that I wouldn't ever think to get. I think I've only had five in my whole life. I told her, "I don't want to do this, I feel very uncomfortable, this is not relaxing to me." She said, "Listen, I love for you to be happy. Whatever happens today, just go with it."

So I go into the spa, there's very peaceful music, you see people walk by you in robes, and they look blissed out. I thought, "Oh God, this is just not right." I meet a woman who works there, and she tells me to put on a robe and to follow her into the massage chamber. I'm so tense during the massage, my knees are sweating. Did you know that kneecaps can sweat? Because I didn't.

All of a sudden she says, "You're done!" I'm so happy. It was like a roller coaster--once you've done it, you want to do it again. Then she says, "Your girlfriend bought you a whole spa package, and next is a sea-salt scrub." I make some terrible joke because I was super-cocky and really relaxed: "Well, I hope it's not too much salt, because I'm on a low-sodium diet." She ushers me into another room and standing there is a woman who says, "Hi, I'm Magna. Put these on, and I'll come back in," and she hands me a weird, very light ball of fabric.

She leaves and I go to put on this underwear, but they're a G-string, so I figure this can't be right. I take them off, and rotate them one click to the left. Now they are a G-string that's not covering much at all. So I get panicked and turn them over, and now it's a weird bathing suit that's covering part of my upper thigh. They're just not working. I go through every possible variation and finally I arrive at the idea that these just are a G-string, at which point, the echo of my girlfriend's voice comes into my head, saying, "Whatever happens, just go with it. …

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