Emotional Skills Middle School Students Need

Daily Herald (Arlington Heights, IL), March 23, 2016 | Go to article overview

Emotional Skills Middle School Students Need


Byline: Phyllis L. Fagell Washington Post/WP Bloomberg

In elementary school, I was too shy to address my teachers by name. I would hover nearby, hoping they would realize I had a question. I also was the new girl, and the existing cliques seemed impenetrable.

To make matters worse, I was a late reader and had difficulty articulating half the alphabet. Family members would euphemistically say I was just "slow out of the gate." I had my work cut out for me.

By middle school, I was ready to throw myself into the mix. It wasn't always pretty. I got tossed out of classes for giggling uncontrollably. I navigated earning my first "D" and getting demoted in math. I had a knack for choosing overly dramatic and bossy friends, and I accidentally dyed my hair brassy orange. I agreed to go to a school dance with a boy, only to panic when I realized this involved actually going to a dance with a boy. I got busted for passing notes in class and for finishing overdue homework in the girls' bathroom.

On the plus side, I figured out how to connect with teachers, and I learned I could solve math problems when I made an effort. I discovered that books kindled my imagination and provided a mental escape. Sports played a useful role too, allowing me to burn off excess energy and improve my focus. I shifted social groups more than a few times.

Overall, it was the typical junior high experience, one I relive frequently as a middle school counselor and as the parent of kids in seventh and eighth grade. Long before social emotional learning became a buzzword in education circles, I was stumbling along, acquiring self-awareness and problem-solving skills.

There is no manual to develop "soft" skills like perseverance and resilience. Just as I did, most kids learn through trial and error. As parents, our quest to protect our children can be at odds with their personal growth. It can feel counterintuitive, but we mainly need to take a step back.

I have come to believe that certain social emotional skills are particularly useful as kids navigate middle school and beyond. Here are my top 10 skills, and ways parents can help without getting in the way.

Top 10 social emotional skills for middle school students

1. Make good friend choices. This typically comes on the heels of making some questionable choices. Kids figure out quickly which friends instill a sense of belonging and which ones make them feel uncomfortable. It can be helpful to ask your children these questions: Do you have fun and laugh with this person? Can you be yourself? Is there trust and empathy? Common interests are a bonus.

2. Work in teams and negotiate conflict. I don't think many students get through middle school without feeling like they had to carry the load on at least one group project. Maybe they didn't delegate and divide the work effectively at the onset. Perhaps they chose to take ownership to avoid a poor grade. Help them understand what happened and consider what they might have done differently.

3. Manage a student-teacher mismatch. Unless there is abuse or discrimination, don't bail them out by asking for a teacher change. Tell them they still can learn from a teacher they don't like. Let them know it's a chance to practice working with someone they find difficult. Remind them that if they can manage the situation, they won't feel powerless or helpless the next time. …

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