Week by Week, Welcome to the Wacky World of the NFL

By Bianchi, Mike | The Florida Times Union, August 25, 1996 | Go to article overview

Week by Week, Welcome to the Wacky World of the NFL


Bianchi, Mike, The Florida Times Union


We have already gone on record as saying the Jacksonville

Jaguars will be the best NFL team in the state this season,

which many NFL insiders consider to be an outlandish

prediction. Well, that's not even the half of it. In the

time-honored tradition of preseason publications, our Football

1996 offers you a totally inane and inaccurate view of the

upcoming NFL season.

Week 1: Jaguars play the Steelers, who announced during the

preseason that what's his name -- Barney Miller? -- will be

their new starting quarterback. Abe Vigoda wants to know if

there's a role on the team for him, too?

Week 2: Tampa Bay defeats Detroit, fueling speculation that

Wayne Fontes will be fired soon. When a reporter asks Fontes

about the rumor at the Lions media luncheon, Fontes responds:

"Are you gonna eat your cookie?"

Week 3: When Jaguars arrive in Oakland, they learn Al Davis has

already moved the Raiders back to L.A. All that remains is a

grease spot.

Week 4: Jaguars defeat Patriots in New England with Mark

Brunell passing for 23 yards and running for 217.

Week 5: During game with Jaguars at Jacksonville Municipal

Stadium, several befuddled Carolina players point up to the

stands and ask, "What are those?" Those are fans, guys. Someday,

maybe you'll have some.

Week 6: Michael Irvin comes off five-game suspension and suits

up for Cowboys. Barry Switzer comes up to Irvin before the game

and says, "Bill, it's good to have you back."

Week 7: Dolphins lose to the Bills to fall to 1-5, prompting

Jimmy Johnson to blame the whole mess on Don Shula. NFL media

genuflects before His Royal Jimmy and proceeds to write a spate

of articles blaming the whole mess on Don Shula.

Open week: NFL holds news conference and tries to explain why

steroids are against the rules and sexual assaults aren't. …

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