'How to Impersonate Christian Bale's Voice as Batman: Suggestions'

By Mahadeo, Gemma | Hecate, May-November 2018 | Go to article overview

'How to Impersonate Christian Bale's Voice as Batman: Suggestions'


Mahadeo, Gemma, Hecate


Have a sinus infection after one pissy flight interstate to somewhere you're visiting for the first time. Ideally, the infection should last 6+ months. Possibly have it lead to fluid in an ear. This'll muck around with your body's resonance. Preferably have a contralto or tenor vocal range. If your voice gets sexily husky when you have a chest infection, this will be regarded as a bonus because no one can pinpoint your gender. They shouldn't be doing that anyway.

Have the weather jump from teens to forties degrees Celsius often in the city you spend the most time in. Get well(ish). Take a while to realise you're sick enough to see a doctor, but ignore it and keep making "modern life" an excuse to avoid looking after yourself. Layer appropriately but occasionally get caught out by how quickly sudden temperature drops occur.

Let long hair dry naturally post-shower, but wince when you realise it's cold enough to need a hairdryer. Too femme for some; definitely not queer-looking enough a hairstyle--that shit costs money, you know! Plus your dress sense isn't considered butch enough for others either. Forget how susceptible you are when your neck is uncovered, hair all bunned up, and the back-of-head hair is damp to the roots; your vocal register will unintentionally yodel without warning. Distract yourself by yearning to be as trendy as all the white queers.

Listen to The xx's second album on CD in your car, and alternate who you sing along with; Oliver's lowest notes deep from the diaphragm, Romy's highest notes as a breezy near-whistle that resides teeth-near-tongue to enunciate. Speak as you try to clear your throat of phlegm. If you have them, you might wonder why your dad sounds more Guyanese when telling a yarn, and shake your head when your mum forgets you know what a Visayan Filipino accent sounds like. Practice that between-teeth whistle, fail at Caribbean "stewing." Do bugle call whistles with your diaphragm breath and pretend you're playing a flute. …

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