How I Almost Made It into Heaven

By Phillips, Louis | The Humanist, January 2001 | Go to article overview

How I Almost Made It into Heaven


Phillips, Louis, The Humanist


As everybody knows, when you die all of the angels get together and vote whether your soul goes to heaven or hell. Less well known, even to devout Christians, are the voting mechanisms that have been in place for thousands of years. If you think the voting machines in Florida are outdated, wait until you see those employed in the afterlife.

Many primitive machines are coated with layers of rust, and some of the butterfly ballots are written in obscure languages such as Aramaic, Sanskrit, and Southern English. God has promised to update the machinery, but he/she/it has been so busy with wars, sudden outbreaks of religious hatred, political shenanigans, and revisions in the recent jazz liturgy that she/he/it just hasn't gotten around to it. It is too late to change my pitiful status but perhaps conditions will improve for the lucky few who will die under the burdens of the next administration. I fervently hope so.

What happened to me was this. I won the popular vote (1,476,000,897 to 1,476,000,883, with 42,000 abstentions and 302,094,654 ballots not counted because of irregularities), but I lost the electoral vote. Yes, heaven does have the same outmoded system used in the United States (as Greek mythology teaches us: what happens on Earth happens in heaven; what happens in heaven is recapitulated upon Earth), but instead of employing an electoral college based upon obscure states few can locate on a map, the heavenly college casts votes based upon hierarchy.

Seraphim control the greatest number of electoral votes (1,902), followed in order by Cherubim (765 electoral votes), Virtues (453), Powers (325), Principalities (300), Archangels (296), and Angels (3).

I hate to bring the entire afterlife voting system under scrutiny because of what happened to my tattered soul, but perhaps my experience will shed karmic light on certain questionable procedures. I can say categorically that Dante got it completely wrong, and so when I died my soul was taken by surprise. All the heavenly host (no hostesses; sex goes the way of all flesh--alas!) gathered on the beachheads of Florida to determine my eternal destination. I carried the popular vote by fourteen votes and thought I would assuredly be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, I lost the electoral vote and so was consigned to the other place.

But wait, I thought (having learned from my brief sojourn on Earth), perhaps there was a mistake. …

The rest of this article is only available to active members of Questia

Already a member? Log in now.

Notes for this article

Add a new note
If you are trying to select text to create highlights or citations, remember that you must now click or tap on the first word, and then click or tap on the last word.
One moment ...
Default project is now your active project.
Project items

Items saved from this article

This article has been saved
Highlights (0)
Some of your highlights are legacy items.

Highlights saved before July 30, 2012 will not be displayed on their respective source pages.

You can easily re-create the highlights by opening the book page or article, selecting the text, and clicking “Highlight.”

Citations (0)
Some of your citations are legacy items.

Any citation created before July 30, 2012 will labeled as a “Cited page.” New citations will be saved as cited passages, pages or articles.

We also added the ability to view new citations from your projects or the book or article where you created them.

Notes (0)
Bookmarks (0)

You have no saved items from this article

Project items include:
  • Saved book/article
  • Highlights
  • Quotes/citations
  • Notes
  • Bookmarks
Notes
Cite this article

Cited article

Style
Citations are available only to our active members.
Buy instant access to cite pages or passages in MLA, APA and Chicago citation styles.

(Einhorn, 1992, p. 25)

(Einhorn 25)

1. Lois J. Einhorn, Abraham Lincoln, the Orator: Penetrating the Lincoln Legend (Westport, CT: Greenwood Press, 1992), 25, http://www.questia.com/read/27419298.

Cited article

How I Almost Made It into Heaven
Settings

Settings

Typeface
Text size Smaller Larger Reset View mode
Search within

Search within this article

Look up

Look up a word

  • Dictionary
  • Thesaurus
Please submit a word or phrase above.
Print this page

Print this page

Why can't I print more than one page at a time?

Help
Full screen

matching results for page

    Questia reader help

    How to highlight and cite specific passages

    1. Click or tap the first word you want to select.
    2. Click or tap the last word you want to select, and you’ll see everything in between get selected.
    3. You’ll then get a menu of options like creating a highlight or a citation from that passage of text.

    OK, got it!

    Cited passage

    Style
    Citations are available only to our active members.
    Buy instant access to cite pages or passages in MLA, APA and Chicago citation styles.

    "Portraying himself as an honest, ordinary person helped Lincoln identify with his audiences." (Einhorn, 1992, p. 25).

    "Portraying himself as an honest, ordinary person helped Lincoln identify with his audiences." (Einhorn 25)

    "Portraying himself as an honest, ordinary person helped Lincoln identify with his audiences."1

    1. Lois J. Einhorn, Abraham Lincoln, the Orator: Penetrating the Lincoln Legend (Westport, CT: Greenwood Press, 1992), 25, http://www.questia.com/read/27419298.

    Cited passage

    Thanks for trying Questia!

    Please continue trying out our research tools, but please note, full functionality is available only to our active members.

    Your work will be lost once you leave this Web page.

    Buy instant access to save your work.

    Already a member? Log in now.

    Author Advanced search

    Oops!

    An unknown error has occurred. Please click the button below to reload the page. If the problem persists, please try again in a little while.