The World According to Student Bloopers
Lederer, Richard, The Saturday Evening Post
From Adam and Eve to the Austrian "Arch-Duck," history gets a hilarious rewrite at the hands of some dubious young scholars.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
The inhibitants of Egypt were called mummies.
They lived in Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhibitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.
The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleaved bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
The Greeks had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were. so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by
George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
Finally, the Magna Carta provided that free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "Hurrah!"
Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
In one of Shakespeare's plays, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. …