Byline: GORDON RAMSAY

THE guillotine has dropped and there is blood everywhere. The perennial flow of tourists from the great market of the United States of America has been shut off as certainly as if we had entered a cold war with our starred and striped friends.

I understand the State Department in the U.S. has warned its nationals not to travel on the assumption that if they do and a preemptive strike takes place, they could be stranded in Europe. Now there's a thought.

So what would a stranded U.S. citizen do with himself in Britain? Clearly it is a time to experience something that cannot be done back home.

The first stop is Lord's cricket ground. We are going to teach you about cricket, a sport as popular in America as Outer Mongolian hopscotch. There are six balls

to an over, two innings in test cricket, a silly mid-off and a long stop and two men in white coats who are in charge.

When you have had enough, you can declare and go and have some tea.

Cheering is frowned upon and the match can take as long as five days.

Enough of that. I'm hungry.

Let's go up to Scotland (no, the Scots aren't great cricketers) and I'll show you how to fish for wild salmon.

No barbecuing, no frying and definitely no broiling. A gentle poaching in a proper fish kettle is all you require to give the most beautiful taste and colour.

Afterwards, go north to Inverness and learn how to pronounce your adopted language. Control the vowels and remember that consonants, when brought into conversation, can give it a whole new sound. Nowhaaaaimeen?

And since you are here, why not take a look at the Royal Family? By this I don't mean stand like a gawping penguin outside Buckingham Palace. Get to Wine sale was know the real goings-on.

Read the Court Circular and the society pages.

Come to think of it, read any paper to get a fuller insight into the ascending and descending order of the Royal Court.

Observe the general throat-cutting activities that each member indulges in and count the times that you see a yellow, blue or red outfit with swinging handbag and a lady-in-waiting to carry the 300 or so bouquets that have just been handed over. Find out what threatens HRH when we ask God to save her.

Just before you go, grab a map and learn that these much-loved isles are made up of different countries each with their own language - albeit faded in parts - and their own funny ways.

England alone i s not Great Britain - and the Republic of Ireland is not part of the United Kingdom.

Remember the last bit in particular.

Wine sale was simply tasteless IT'S a fact that the most important item for sale in my restaurant is a bottle of wine - so I could hardly miss the fact that this week there was an auction of a million bottles.

Wine.com had gone down the tubes after popping [pound]135million of shareholders' funds and this was salvage time.The anticipated sale proceeds amounted to [pound]6.75million - an average price of [pound]6.75 a bottle.

Petrus 1970 sold at, well, I'm not going to tell you because I am too upset.

Chateau d'Yquem 1921 went for [pound]1,350, which is slightly lower than the bottle on my wine list. …