Football: Cut out and Keep: Helpful Hints for the Hammers' Defence- but Watch Your Fingers Boys!
West ham boss Glenn Roeder says his woeful defence
'need to learn the required skills' so the SP presents..West Ham's
THIS IS A TACKLE:NO, it's not what you take on fishing trips, it's the universally accepted method of separating your opponent from the ball.
OK, you might get your shorts dirty, but a grateful Glenn will wash them if you just give it a try.
Anyway, you'll get a new pair with the Nationwide logo on next season.
THIS IS A DANGER: WHEN this fearsome Dutchman runs at you today don't stand back, smile and say 'we're all Europeans now'.
If a tackle (see above)
is too much to ask try deflecting him away from the match by nicking his clogs, waving them at him and running off in the direction of the M6 in the hope he chases you.
THIS IS A CLEAN SHEET
SHEET is what your dear old mammy puts on your bed before tucking you in, not what you're up to your necks in at the moment. …