The Continuing Crisis
Tyrrell, R. Emmett, Jr., The American Spectator
July has come and gone, and the Israeli Defense Forces spent much of the month rummaging through Lebanon looking for two Israeli soldiers kidnapped by pious Hezbollah terrorists who wandered into Israel seeking companionship. At month's end the genial Cuban dictator, Mr. Fidel Castro, was hospital-bound suffering from a bleeding intestine. "Better that than a bleeding heart," eh, Fidel? And Tour de France winner Mr. Floyd Landis tested positive for illegal levels of testosterone. In this case it was synthetic testosterone, suggesting that the cyclist patronizes the same pharmacy as French President Jacques Chirac. Finally, in what might be called the "case of the Xtreme Stripper," police in South Plainfield, New Jersey, searching the residence of stripper Miss Linda Kay, discovered a severed hand and six skulls. Miss Kay has been charged with improper disposition of human remains. Presumably attendees at Miss Kay's future performances will think twice before yelling the stripper's traditional anthem, "Take It Off."
In Texas, that state's House of Representatives passed a bill banning homosexual couples from being foster parents. The action by the Texas solons follows similar efforts against homosexual parenting in Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, Tennessee, and Virginia-all despite the promising scientific findings of the Gay Stork Project just completed at the Overloon Zoo near historic Eindhoven, the Netherlands. There zookeepers deposited eggs in the nests of four openly homosexual storks, a lesbian couple who have been together for years, and a younger "hipper" couple of gay males-Bingo! Success! All the eggs hatched beautifully and the chicks are leading perfectly normal lives: fluttering their little wings, consuming hugs and small fishes, but uttering not a chirp. Storks have no voices. "The gay storks looked after the eggs and chicks," asserted a triumphant Miss Esther Jansen, spokeswoman for the Zoo, "just as well as our heterosexual birds." So, Amerika, are you listening? July also witnessed the passing of a pioneer in the population control movement, Dr. George W. Wetherill, a planetary scientist who according to his New York Times' obituary was an early expert in the "Dating of Rocks." Of course, since Dr. Wetherill began his campaign in the 1950s other advances in birth control now allow persons concerned about overpopulation to forsake their rocks and enter into sexual relations with fellow humans without fear of pregnancy. Yet dating rocks did in its day allow passionate individuals an opportunity to experience emotional growth. Moreover, there was very little chance of sexually transmitted disease. Death also claimed Mr. Robert Brooks, the founder and guiding genius behind the Hooters restaurant chain. A graduate of Clemson University with a degree in dairy science, Mr. Brooks's first culinary effort was a milkshake adopted by Burger King. From there he went on to establish his fabled chain of restaurants served by full-figured waitresses and patronized-let us be frank-by sad sacks. Mr. Brooks died of natural causes. Finally, another of the members of the Grateful Dead choral ensemble has made good on the group's grisly boast. Mr. Vince Welnick, the Dead's last keyboard player, committed suicide. Recalled the Dead's surviving drummer, Mr. Mickey Hart, "he had that fearlessness to be able to go and just jump into our madness and just operate on it like it was a normal, everyday procedure." Well, to a point, Mr. Hart.
Ms. Valerie Plame's persecution complex continues to make headlines. On July 13 the willowy CIA operative, who in recent years has apparently been CIA station chief at the Tysons Corner shopping center in northern Virginia, filed a lawsuit against Vice President Dick Cheney and his aides for blowing her cover and making it impossible for her to enter Bloomingdale's unidentified. Ms. Plame had been particularly good at photographing members of the Arab diplomatic corps as they shopped for picnic lunches at Victoria's Secret. …