The Continuing Crisis
Tyrrell, R. Emmett, Jr., The American Spectator
DNC Jiang; Narita's radishes; nailing a record; minky October began with the Boy President hiding behind the ample skirts of Attorney General Janet Reno, and ended with him high in confabulations with the Democratic Party's most important financial supporter, Mr. Jiang Zemin. His sexual harassment suit took a cruel turn when it was revealed that Mrs. Paula Corbin Jones has testified that his genitalia's "distinguishing characteristic" is a forty-five degree bend to the-poetic justice, this-left. The condition is known as Peyronie's Disease, and if Mrs. Jones wins her case the president might at least qualify for access to accommodations for the physically disabled. A presidential limousine with a disabled sign on its license plate would be another Clinton first.
All in all, it was another Clintonian month of serial scandals and goofball oratory. At the outset the bovine Miss Reno was staring down Congress, insisting that the President was as clean as a hound's tooth. Then it was revealed that the White House had videotaped the hound sinking his teeth into Democratic fat cats at scores of White House fundraisers, which the president has assured us he does not remember. Next Ms. Reno promised to open the preliminaries for yet another Independent Counsel. Finally the Boy President convened a summit with China's President liang Zemin. The summit revealed just how intimate the global economy has become. During the 1996 presidential election Mr. Jiang's Bank of China provided more ready cash to the Democratic effort than any other source save organized labor. Working through Mr. John Huang, Mr. Johnny Chung, and Mr. Charlie Trie, the Chop Suey connection supplied more funds to the Democrats than Hollywood, organized crime, or rural America's Indian casinos. Nonetheless, during his stay in Washington Mr. Jiang did not ask to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom or fly on Air Force One. Whether he retumed to China with a White House towel or matchbooks is a matter for conjecture-the Chinese are heavy smokers.
As October expired Japan's $250 million space project on the remote island of Hokkaido remained suspended in feathery controversy. Ever since last spring, when a rocket experiment in the heart of the island's chicken-growing region caused 500 chickens to stampede, killing many and leaving many more horribly disfigured, Japan's National Space Development Agency has bowed to poultry lovers' request that no further experiments be undertaken without the chickens' permission-ha, ha, a little levity there. Actually the experiments are to be suspended until the chickens' well-being can be ensured. The government has weighed the possibility of fitting the chickens with tiny ear plugs or of broadcasting soothing music into the chicken coops during rocket blasts, but a powerful alliance has developed between Hokkaido chicken farmers and Tokyo's famed green farmers of Narita, who for three decades have blocked expansion of Narita International Airport out of deference to their radishes and cabbages. Since Pearl Harbor the Japanese have changed a lot In Roby, Illinois, police efforts to dislodge sl-year-old Mrs. Shirley Allen from her home ended victoriously on the last day of the month. For five weeks, the heavily armed lunatic resisted both a barrage of pepper sprays into her filthy domicile and the dreadful din of Barry Manilow being incessantly broadcast through bull homs. Ultimately that music was too much. After shooting a police dog through the left nostril, Mrs. Allen stepped out on her porch and fell to a blast of rubber bullets. Possibly she will become the Betty Friedan of the Twenty-First Century.
In sports the Florida Marlins won the World Series in seven games, and on October lo Dallas's Lauretta Adams gave up her 24-year quest of the world record for fingernail growing. …