Theology: The Company Satan Adventures, Organizer of Guided Tours to the Kingdom of Darkness, Has Gone Bankrupt

By Galeano, Eduardo | New Internationalist, September 2001 | Go to article overview

Theology: The Company Satan Adventures, Organizer of Guided Tours to the Kingdom of Darkness, Has Gone Bankrupt


Galeano, Eduardo, New Internationalist


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[Graph Not Transcribed]

God

When she was five, Vera Navratil looked up into the night sky of Montevideo and asked her mother, 'Do the dead go to heaven?'

'Yes.'

'And when God dies, what heaven does He go to? Does He go to a special heaven higher up?'

On the same night in Riberao Preto, many leagues north of Montevideo, Marcos Awad, who was the same age as Vera, was looking at those very same stars. Marcos asked his mother, 'Who made us?'

'We were made by God.'

'And God?'

'And God what?'

'Who made Him?'

'Nobody made God. God made himself.'

'But what about his back? How did God manage to make his back?'

Paradise

The bison of Altamira still flee, Mona Lisa continues smiling her mocking smile, the prophets of Aleijadinho still shriek with pain and fury, the victims of Goya's firing squad never died, Van Gogh's sunflowers have never withered.

When artists bestow immortality on what they create, even if it be only an earthly and mortal immortality, they challenge divine law. God suspects, and He's absolutely right, that these people are trying to compete, and He doesn't like that one bit.

Tola Invernizzi, who is in the trade, knows he probably won't make it to paradise. But he hasn't given up hope. He heard from a good source that heaven's immigration laws changed recently. No more will Saint Peter raise his hand saying: 'You have not been as good as you say.' Instead, God's gatekeeper will welcome any newcomer with a pat on the back: 'You haven't been as bad as you think.'

Tola says the new celestial policy came about because paradise is practically empty. A few souls, the most holy, could no longer in good conscience enjoy air conditioning knowing that others were roasting on the fire, and out of a sense of solidarity they renounced the kingdom of salvation and threw themselves into the abyss. Eternal boredom drove other not-so-holy souls to flee. They were sick of spending all eternity on the same cloud listening to the same cherub playing the same tune for solo harp. Still other souls succumbed to false advertising from hell which promised free drinks, free love and other perditions.

Hell

The company Satan Adventures, organizer of guided tours to the kingdom of darkness, has gone bankrupt. …

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