to be firm.-----Dont mistake me--I am as attached to you as much & more than to any Man--but really you dont know how 〈you〉 may affect me by not letting me know earlier--
Address: 〈B. R. Ha〉ydon Esqr ∣ 〈Lisson Gr〉ove North ∣ Paddington.
Postmark cut away.
My dear Haydon,
When I offered you assistance I thought I had it in my hand; I thought I had nothing to do, but to do. The difficulties I met with arose from the alertness and suspicion of Abbey: and especially from the affairs being still in a Law〈y〉er's hand--who has been draining our Property for the last 6 years of every charge he could make--I cannot do two things at once, and thus this affair has stopped my pursuits in every way---from the first prospect I had of difficulty. I assure you I have harrassed myself 10 times more than if I alone had been concerned in so much gain or loss. I have also ever told you the exact particulars as well as and as literally as my hopes or fear could translate them: for it was only by parcels that I found all those petty obstacles which for my own sake should not exist a moment --and yet why not--for from my own imprudence and neglect all my accounts are entirely in my Guardians Power. This has taught me a Lesson. Hereafter I will be more correct. I find myself possessed of much less than I thought for and now if I had all on the table all I could do would be to take from it a moderate two years subsistence and lend you the rest; but I cannot say how soon I could become possessed of it. This would be no sacrifice nor any matter worth thinking of--much less than parting as I have more than once done with little sums which might have gradually formed a library to my taste--These sums amount together to nearly 200, which I have but a chance of ever being repaid or paid at a very distant period. I am humble enough to put this in writing from the sense I have of your struggling situation and the great
121. The body of this letter is complete, but the signature has been cut out and with it the postmark and part of the address. Haydon has noted on it--'To Lady Grah〈a〉m I gave auto--'.