Hail to Thee, Okoboji U! A Humor Anthology on Higher Education

By Mark C. Ebersole | Go to book overview

A Short History of Higher Education

Richard Armour


Prehistoric Times

Little is known about higher education during the Stone Age, which is perhaps just as well.

Because of a weakness in the liberal arts, the B.A. was not offered, and there was only the B.S., or Bachelor of Stones. Laboratory facilities were meager, owing to lack of government contracts and support from private industry, but the stars were readily available on clear nights for those interested in astronomy.

Prehistoric students, being before history, failed to comprehend the fundamentals of the subject, such as its being divided into Ancient, Medieval, and Modern.

There were no college boards.

Nor were there any fraternities. The only clubs on the campus were those carried by the students.

Alumni organizations were in their infancy, where some of them have remained. The Alumni Secretary occupied a small cave, left behind when the Director of Development moved to a larger one. While waiting for contributions to come in, he idly doodled on the wall, completely unaware that art critics would someday mistake his drawings of certain members of the board of trustees for dinosaurs and sabertoothed tigers.

The Alumni Quarterly came out every quarter of a century, and was as eagerly awaited as it is today.


The Classical Period

In ancient Athens everyone knew Greek, and in ancient Rome everyone knew Latin, even small children--which those who have taken Elementary Greek or Elementary Latin will find hard to believe. Universities wishing to teach a language which had little practical use but was good for mental discipline could have offered English if they had thought of it.

-1-

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Hail to Thee, Okoboji U! A Humor Anthology on Higher Education
Table of contents

Table of contents

  • Title Page iii
  • Contents vii
  • Introduction xi
  • A Short History of Higher Education 1
  • Solemnity, Gloom and the Academic Style: A Reflection 7
  • How to Get In 10
  • The Rich Scholar 14
  • Off to College 18
  • Gather Round, Collegians 21
  • Hail to Thee, Okoboji! 26
  • Wherefore Art Thou Nittany? 27
  • University Days 29
  • University Days 34
  • Taste of Princeton 39
  • Hell Only Breaks Loose Once 41
  • Hell Only Breaks Loose Once 45
  • Hell Only Breaks Loose Once 47
  • Hell Only Breaks Loose Once 51
  • Hell Only Breaks Loose Once 57
  • Hell Only Breaks Loose Once 63
  • Professor Pnin 72
  • The Rivercliff Golf Killings 76
  • Two Limericks 84
  • Professor Tattersall 86
  • Report on the Barnhouse Effect 93
  • Report on the Barnhouse Effect 105
  • Report on the Barnhouse Effect 107
  • Report on the Barnhouse Effect 112
  • Report on the Barnhouse Effect 114
  • Report on the Barnhouse Effect 117
  • Handy-Dandy Plan to Save Our Colleges 122
  • Jocelyn College 128
  • Reforming Yale 133
  • The Groves of Academe: Deep, Deep Words 135
  • Survey of Literature 143
  • Shakespeare Explained 144
  • The Shakespeare Interview 147
  • Professor Gratt 152
  • The Cliché Expert Testifies on Literary Criticism 153
  • Great Poets 158
  • Webley I. Webster: Wisdom of the Ages 164
  • The Immortal Hair Trunk 166
  • How to Understand Music 169
  • 1776 and All That. the First Memorable History of America 172
  • If He Scholars, Let Him Go 183
  • The Truth About History 185
  • The Truth About History 188
  • The Universe and the Philosopher 191
  • My Philosophy 193
  • My Philosophy 196
  • My Philosophy 198
  • My Philosophy 199
  • My Philosophy 200
  • Science 203
  • Philosopher 205
  • Mr. Science 208
  • One Very Smart Tomato 210
  • Botanist, Aroint Thee! Or, Henbane by Any Other Name 212
  • Nonsense Botany 213
  • Book Learning 218
  • Prehistoric Animals of the Middle West 219
  • Prehistoric Animals of the Middle West 224
  • A Pure Mathematician 228
  • Thinking Black Holes Through 231
  • The Purist 234
  • Theoretical Theories 235
  • Professor Piccard 235
  • How Newton Discovered the Law of Gravitation 237
  • Parlez-Vous Presidentialese? 252
  • The Secret Life of Henry Harting 255
  • Marshyhope State University 265
  • The Degree 276
  • President Robbins of Benton 282
  • My Speech to the Graduates 286
  • Graduationese 289
  • Grooving with Academe 292
  • An Old Grad Remembers 294
  • The Cultured Girl Again 297
  • Alumni News 299
  • Twenty-Fifth Reunion 302
  • The Final Final Exam - A Sentimental Education 304
  • Turning Back to the Campus 314
  • Improbable Epitaph 316
  • Acknowledgments 317
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