SMITH. Oh, ho! so then you make the struggle to be after the business is done? 105
SMITH. Oh, I conceive you. That, I swear, is very natural.
Enter four men at one door, and four at another, with their swords drawn.
1ST SOLDIER. Stand! Who goes there?
2D SOLDIER. A friend.
1ST SOLDIER. What friend?
2D SOLDIER. A friend to the house.
1ST SOLDIER. Fall on! 5
(They all kill one another. Music strikes.)
BAYES (to the music). Hold, hold! (It ceaseth.) Now, here's an odd surprise: all these dead men you shall see rise up presently, at a certain note that I have made, in Effaut2flat, and fall a-dancing. Do you hear, dead men? (To the music.) Re- 10 member your note in Effaut flat. Play on. -- Now, now, now.
(The music plays his note, and the dead men rise; but cannot get in order.)
O Lord, O Lord! -- Out, out, out! -- Did ever men spoil a good thing so? no figure, no ear, no time, nothing! Udzookers, you dance worse than 15the angels in Harry the Eight, or the fat spirits in The Tempest,3 'y gad.
1ST SOLDIER. Why, sir, 'tis impossible to do anything in time, to this tune.
BAYES. O Lord, O Lord! Impossible? why, 20 gentlemen, if there be any faith in a person that's a Christian, I sate up two whole nights in composing this air and apting it for the business. For, if you observe, there are two several designs in this tune; it begins swift, and ends slow. You talk of 25 time, and time; you shall see me do't. Look you now. (Lies down flat on his face.) Here I am dead. Now mark my note in Effaut flat. -- Strike up music. Now.
(As he rises up hastily, he falls down again.)
-- Ah, gadsookers! I have broke my nose.430
JOHNSON. By my troth, Mr. Bayes, this is a very unfortunate note of yours, in Effaut.
BAYES. A plague of this damned stage, with your nails and your tenter-hooks, that a gentleman cannot come to teach you to act but he must break 35 his nose, and his face, and the devil and all. Pray, sir, can you help me to a wet piece of brown paper?
SMITH. No indeed, sir; I don't usually carry any about me.
2D SOLDIER. Sir, I'll go get you some within 40 presently.
BAYES. Go, go then; I follow you. Pray, dance out the dance, and I'll be with you in a moment. Remember you dance like horsemen. Exit BAYES.
*SMITH. Like horsemen! What a plague can 45 that be?
(They dance the dance, but can make nothing of it.)
1ST SOLDIER. A devil! let's try this no longer. Play my dance that Mr. Bayes found fault with so.
Dance, and exeunt.
SMITH. What can this fool be doing all this while about his nose? 50
JOHNSON. Prithee, let's go see. Exeunt.
BAYES with a paper on his nose, and the two Gentlemen.
BAYES. Now, sirs, this I do because my fancy, in this play, is to end every act with a dance.5
SMITH. Faith, that fancy is very good, but I should hardly have broke my nose for it, though.
JOHNSON. That fancy, I suppose, is new, too. 5
BAYES. Sir, all my fancies are so. I tread upon no man's heels, but make my flight upon my own wings, I assure you. Now, here comes in a scene of sheer wit, without any mixture in the whole world, 'y gad, between Prince Pretty-man and his 10 tailor. It might properly enough be called a prize of wit; for you shall see 'em come in upon one another snip snap, hit for hit, as fast as can be. First one speaks, then presently t'other's upon him slap, with a repartee; then he at him again, dash! 15 with a new conceit, and so eternally, eternally, 'y gad, till they go quite off the stage.
(Goes to call the Players.)
SMITH. What a plague does this fop mean by his snip snap, hit for hit, and dash?
JOHNSON. Mean? why, he never meant any- 20 thing in's life. What dost talk of meaning for?
BAYES. Why don't you come in?
Enter PRINCE PRETTY-MAN and TOM THIMBLE.
BAYES. This scene will make you die with laughing, if it be well acted; for 'tis as full of drollery as ever it can hold: 'tis like an orange stuffed with 25 cloves, as for conceit.____________________