the way to Mr. Hardcastle's; (winking upon the Landlord) Mr. Hardcastle's, of Quagmire Marsh, you understand me.
LAND. Master Hardcastle's! Lack-a-daisy, 140 my masters, you're come a deadly deal wrong! When you came to the bottom of the hill, you should have crossed down Squash-lane.
MARL. Cross down Squash-lane!
LAND. Then you were to keep straight for 145 ward, till you came to four roads.
MARL. Come to where four roads meet!
TONY. Ay; but you must be sure to take only one of them.
MARL. O sir, you're facetious. 150
TONY. Then, keeping to the right, you are to go sideways till you come upon Crack-skull Common: there you must look sharp for the track of the wheel, and go forward, till you come to farmer Murrain's barn. Coming to the farmer's barn, you are to 155 turn to the right, and then to the left, and then to the right about again, till you find out the old mill --
MARL. Zounds, man! we could as soon find out the longitude!1
HAST. What's to be done, Marlow? 160
MARL. This house promises but a poor reception; though perhaps the landlord can accommodate us.
LAND. Alack, master, we have but one spare bed in the whole house.
TONY. And to my knowledge, that's taken 165 up by three lodgers already. (After a pause, in which the rest seem disconcerted.) I have hit it, Don't you think, Stingo, our landlady could accommodate the gentlemen by the fireside, with -- three chairs and a bolster? 170
HAST. I hate sleeping by the fireside.
MARL. And I detest your three chairs and a bolster.
TONY. You do, do you? -- then, let me see -- what -- if you go on a mile further, to the 175 Buck's Head; the old Buck's Head on the hill, one of the best inns in the whole county?
HAST. O ho! so we have escaped an adventure for this night, however.
LAND. (apart to TONY). Sure, you ben't send- 180 ing them to your father's as an inn, be you?
TONY. Mum, you fool you, Let them find that out. (To them.) You have only to keep on straight forward, till you come to a large old house by the roadside. You'll see a pair of large horns over 185 the door. That's the sign. Drive up the yard, and call stoutly about you.
HAST. Sir, we are obliged to you. The servants can't miss the way?
TONY. No, no: but I tell you, though, the 190 landlord is rich, and going to leave off business; so he wants to be thought a gentleman, saving your presence, he! he! he! He'll be for giving you his company; and, ecod, if you mind him, he'll persuade you that his mother was an alderman, and his aunt 195 a justice of peace.
LAND. A troublesome old blade, to be sure; but 'a keeps as good wines and beds as any in the whole country.
MARL. Well, if he supplies us with these, we 200 shall want no further connection. We are to turn to the right, did you say?
TONY. No, no; straight forward. I'll just step myself, and show you a piece of the way. (To the Landlord.) Mum! 205
LAND. Ah, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleasant -- damned mischievous son of a whore. Exeunt.
An old-fashiond house.
Enter HARDCASTLE, followed by three or four awkward Servants.
HARD. Well, I hope you're perfect in the table exercise I have been teaching you these three days. You all know your posts and your places, and can show that you have been used to good company, without ever stirring from home. 5
OMNES. Ay, ay.
HARD. When company comes, you are not to pop out and stare, and then run in again, like frighted rabbits in a warren.
OMNES. No, no. 10
HARD. You, Diggory, whom I have taken from the barn, are to make a show at the side-table; and you, Roger, whom I have advanced from the plough, are to place yourself behind my chair. But you're not to stand so, with your hands in your pockets. 15 Take your hands from your pockets, Roger; and from your head, you blockhead, you. See how Diggory carries his hands, They're a little too stiff, indeed, but that's no great matter.
DIGG. Ay, mind how I hold them. I learned 20 to hold my hands this way, when I was upon drill for the militia. And so being upon drill --
HARD. You must not be so talkative, Diggory. You must be all attention to the guests. You must hear us talk, and not think of talking; You must 25 see us drink, and not think of drinking; you must see us eat, and not think of eating.____________________