What the plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd's life! do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh and blood? 275
CHAS. SURF. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need you care, if you have your money's worth?
SIR OLIV. Well, I'll be the purchaser -- I think I can dispose of the family. -- [Aside.] Oh, 280 I'll never forgive him this! never!
CARE. Come, Charles, what keeps you?
CHAS. SURF. I can't come yet. I'faith! we are going to have a sale above -- here's little Premium will buy all my ancestors! 285
CARE. Oh, burn your ancestors!
CHAS. SURF. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless, we want you; egad, you shall be auctioneer -- so come along with us.
CARE. Oh, have with you, if that's the case. 290 -- I can handle a hammer as well as a dice box!
SIR OLIV. Oh, the profligates!
CHAS. SURF. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. -- Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business. 295
SIR OLIV. Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke to sell one's family by auction -- ha! ha! -- [Aside.] Oh, the prodigal!
CHAS. SURF. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he get assistance, if 300 he can't make free with his own relations? Exeunt.
End of the third Act.
Picture-room at CHARLES'S.
MOSES, and CARELESS.
CHAS. SURF. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in! -- here they are, the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
SIR OLIV. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.
CHAS. SURF. Aye, aye, these are done in true 5 spirit of portrait-painting -- no volunteer grace or expression -- not like the works of your modern Raphael, who gives you the strongest resemblance, yet contrives to make your own portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original and 10 not hurt the picture. No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate likeness -- all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in human nature beside!
SIR OLIV. Ah! we shall never see such figures 15 of men again.
CHAS. SURF. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic character I am -- here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. But come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer -- 20 here's an old gouty chair of my grandfather's will answer the purpose.
CARE. Aye, aye, this will do. But, Charles, I have ne'er a hammer; and what's an auctioneer without his hammer? 25
CHAS. SURF. Egad, that's true. What parchment have we here? (Takes down a roll.)* 'Richard, heir to Thomas' -- our genealogy in full. Here, Careless, you shall have no common bit of mahogany -- here's the family tree for you, you 30 rogue -- this shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedigree.
SIR OLIV. [aside]. What an unnatural rogue! -- an ex post facto parricide! 35
CARE. Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed; -- faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the business, for 'twill serve not only as a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain. -- But come, begin -- A-going, a-going, 40 a-going!
CHAS. SURF. Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great uncle, Sir Richard Raviline, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that 45 cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet.1 What say you, Mr. Premium? look at him -- there's a here for you! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be. What 50 do you bid?
MOS. Mr. Premium would have you speak.
CHAS. SURF. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I am sure that's not dear for a staff- officers. 55
SIR OLIV. Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten pounds! -- Very well, sir, I take him at that.
CHAS. SURF. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. -- Here, now, is a maiden sister of his, 60____________________